the sound and the fury
by lifeonaxis1
i am so angry right now i feel like i could vomit. i actually don’t know what to do with myself. i’m just kind of sitting here, confounded.
it’s bittersweet really.
i don’t want to minimize the first part of this story just because i’m angry about the most recent event, so let me see if i can manage to articulate it coherently.
y’all who read this blog or even my “about me” page know that i was diagnosed bipolar II in may 2012. it was traumatic, to say the least, and brought me to the brink of suicide on multiple occasions. it has had far reaching effects on my well-being, my relationships with family and friends (and lovers), and professionally. and still, over a year later, i reap the consequences as just this week people in my professional circle have made reference to “my problem”.
lucky for me (and i do mean lucky), for whatever reason, whether it be because i am a graduate student in psychology, or because i have an insatiable quest for knowledge, or because WHEN YOU ARE DIAGNOSED WITH A SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS YOU TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, i sought out a phd-level clinical psychologist who specialized in bipolar disorder. of course, i went in for a second opinion, but it was probably a good idea anyway because i had no the fuck idea how to handle this diagnosis and it only made my depression even worse. i literally lost my mind, and to this day i still experience the fallout from that serious short-circuit to my brain, where i could barely form sentences, let alone understand what the fuck anyone else was saying. memory, gone. ever seen memento? yeah, that was me.
so i kept my end of the bargain. i went, faithfully, to this woman, every week. sometimes i really didn’t understand the purpose of our sessions but in hindsight i realize they were more about gathering data about me. what am i like? what are my behavioral tendencies? how do i react to stress or challenges? how do i react to great experiences? what is the pattern of my mood fluctuations? you can’t really figure all of that out in an hour session; it *requires* multiple observations over a long period of time.
this is much unlike the practice of she-who-shall-not-be-named, the evil cuntwad who diagnosed me within the first ten minutes of our first session. we’ll get to her in a minute.
almost a year and a half has passed and i had actually forgotten (not really, more like…set aside) the fact that i was seeing a psychologist weekly to get a second opinion about my bipolar diagnosis. then, when i returned from the great pacific northwest, after my aunt threatened my life and a bunch of other shit happened (yeah, i haven’t blogged about that yet), i was sitting in her office trying to figure out how to navigate the situation with my aunt and the rest of my family and it happened. i don’t recall what immediately preceded this moment. i only have the flash memory of what she said.
she said:
i don’t think you’re bipolar
and i heard it and i stopped and i said, what did you say? i’d heard her, but i just wanted to hear it again. to savor the moment, maybe, i don’t know.
i don’t think you’re bipolar
and this was just, like, too much for my brain to handle, so i didn’t follow up with anything. i kind of just let that idea enter my brain and percolate a while because i could not fucking handle it in that moment. so i missed maybe a beat, and kept talking about my aunt.
a few weeks have passed since this moment, and i can still barely look it in the face. it may be shock, but when i think of it it’s like a flood of emotions and an absence of them at the same time. i don’t really know how to describe it otherwise. so i kind of downplayed it. i took it as a working hypothesis, rather than fact. simply that the evidence indicated that i was not bipolar. there is no certainty. and that’s been the only way i’ve been able to deal with it.
until this week.
this week, on three separate occasions, two individuals have mentioned “my problem” in passing. as if it’s ha-ha, nudge-nudge, funny. and maybe i was okay with that before. maybe my response to those comments was permissive, or encouraging even. but this week, they just made me fucking angry. and as each one occurred, i became more and more angry, so that i was just operating with a general level of irritation about it. my daydreams were usurped by imagining telling them off for making jokes about my being bipolar (because HELLO, I’m NOT now…as if they could know), and the furious fucking letters i would write to the campus psych services, the psychiatry ethics board, and hell, the a.p.fucking.a. about the evil cuntwhore witch doctor who both diagnosed me prematurely and then told me i was “immature” when i hadn’t told my advisor that i was diagnosed bipolar, leading to these comments in the fucking first place.
so that’s what i talked about in therapy today. i was nearly brought to tears recounting the breadth and depth of damage done by this woman, recalling wanting to die, desperately, and the damage it caused to my relationships and myself.
and do you know what my motherfucking therapist told me? i couldn’t fucking believe it. she said:
i had another patient come in, who was diagnosed right away with bipolar. the same woman who diagnosed you.
let’s just sit with that for a moment.
..
…
..
because this means a lot of things.
this means, 1) i was fucking vindicated, 2) there was reason to suspect that her diagnostic decisions were a pattern, 3) she is, as i suspected, a danger to others.
those are really the most important ones right now. so yes, we have an n=2 (sample size of 2). but that’s two who happened to end up going to the same psychologist to talk about it. probabilistically, then, there are probably more.
and remember, i consider myself lucky – LUCKY – to have had the insight or drive or whatever the fuck it was to GO SEE ANOTHER PROFESSIONAL. what about those who don’t!?
so now, i am sitting here, ready to vomit, because i’m angry on behalf of myself and terrified for others who might suffer the same fate, who might not, for whatever reason, seek alternative opinions or care and who will LIVE ON AS IF THEY HAVE A SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE.
and it is fucking DAMAGING folks! Many of my readers know this implicitly because they or a loved one experiences it themselves. MY PROFESSIONAL REPUTATION IS FOREVER CHANGED BECAUSE OF THIS. MY FAITH IN MYSELF WAS COMPLETELY DEMOLISHED, DESTROYED, AND I WANTED TO DIE. DESPERATELY. FRIENDS AND FAMILY DISTANCED THEMSELVES AND I WAS ISOLATED AND ALONE. somehow i survived.
BUT THE NEXT PERSON MIGHT NOT.
THIS IS NOT OKAY.
so i ask you, mental health community, what can be done? who can i report to? where do i sent my letter of complaint?
HOW CAN I MAKE SURE THIS WOMAN NEVER HURTS ANOTHER PERSON AGAIN?
and if i can’t do that…
HOW CAN I MAKE SURE THIS PATTERN IS ON HER FUCKING RECORD?
so that maybe, just maybe, when the next person complains, they will have a second complaint – my complaint – on record to show that YES, this is indeed a pattern, and YES, this woman is not professional and possibly not ethical, and YES, she is a risk to others.
please tell me: what can i do?
Oh, I’m so sorry this has happened! Very sympathetic – I’ve had about 5 clinicians diagnose me with bipolar but the NP I’ve seen every month for over a year disagrees and got me on the path to check out PMDD as a more likely cause of this craziness.
And I had a similar issue with a horrible, terrible endocrinologist, who dx’d without following any of the standard procedures and then totally dissed my legitimate concerns about potential alternate hormonal explanations. One of which turns out to be 100% correct (low progesterone, which will make you pretty much nuts.)
I did look up what I could do. I wanted to report that smug bastard to the Board of Health for being incompetent. Guess what? No go. You can’t raise a complaint for gross incompetence, only for being misleading and crap like that. It really pissed me off.
The only real recourse I can find is posting negative reviews on online doctor rating sites (HealthGrades, etc.) Which I haven’t yet done, but now that you’ve reminded me…
Thanks for commenting! How are you taking the possible change in diagnosis? Are you disregarding bipolar?
I could actually make an argument for this woman being “misleading” if that’s all I can do. But I will most certainly be writing a letter to campus health, where she works. I’m not sure I want to post to online doctor rating sites yet because I think it might diminish the impact of a more formal complaint elsewhere. We’ll see. Even my psychologist is a bit up in arms about it…
Well, I don’t honestly believe PMDD is the only issue at hand, but I’d be happy to be wrong about that. I went off mood stabilizers months ago with no real change to overall stability, so I guess that’s a fair indicator too. I’ve spent the better part of the last year trying to manage the hormonal symptoms, most of which was just horrible, but I think I’m finally on the right track with that. I hope.
It’s actually all just really confusing. I still screen positive for bipolar on every inventory and have a much more bipolar-like course of depression (atypical symptoms with mood reactivity, anxiety, etc.) And the timing of my symptoms isn’t exactly aligned with the expectations for PMDD, but close enough and cyclic enough to keep trying to work out the hormonal imbalance. So I just don’t know what to believe – though I did write a post awhile back in which I disclaimed the bipolar dx. It really frustrates me, because if I had any faith in a diagnosis that would help me decide what kind of jobs to pursue (my position ends in July) but since I don’t know what to expect, I just have to apply for jobs that I’m terrified will break me because if I don’t apply I’m out of the running. 😦
I’d be curious to know what inventories you are referring to. Also, how did you convince your pdoc to let you stop taking mood stabilizers?? Mine is quite against the idea, although he makes some good points.
I definitely hear you about career decisions. I don’t have any great advice for you. My decision has to been to just go for it and let the chips fall where they may.
There’s a standard symptom tracker for PMDD. You’re supposed to do 2 months of proscriptive tracking, i.e., day-by-day, not based on (lousy) memory, for a PMDD diagnosis. The endocrinologist didn’t even bother having me do any of it because he’s just incompetent.
I just told my PNP I wanted to take less drugs because I felt like they were doing more damage than good. She agreed to it because she didn’t believe I’m bipolar anyway, so a mood stabilizer wasn’t going to do any good. And honestly, I think we were both right – going off lamotrigine seemed to clear up a lot of brain fog. It did not destabilize me any more than the existing hormonal instability, which it couldn’t treat anyway.
Besides which, you have the right not to take drugs you don’t want to take. Your doctor might refuse to see you if that’s the case, but no one can force them down your throat (unless you’re inpatient, of course.) And if you’re going to refuse to take them, most doctors will help you do a proper titration to prevent wholesale withdrawal and discontinuation syndrome. Which will in the process, of course, indicate whether or not you can really go off the mood stabilizers safely. If you go down below some threshold and destabilize, obviously it’s a bad idea. But I only saw improvements with less and less lamotrigine in my system, although it took 3 months to go down from 200mg to 0. My moods are better, and my mental clarity is better, so it’s a win. Last time I was having problems, I just asked to wait another month before trying the lamotrigine again, and it was all fine.
The only reason I haven’t tried going down in antidepressant dosage is because my lady doctor wants me to keep everything else stable while we try some treatments for the hormonal crap, so that we can figure out what effect they’re having without it getting confounded by too many drug changes. But as soon as I get the green light, I’m going to decrease my antidepressant dosage too.
Oh, the inventories for bipolar. Right. I never remember their names, but they’re the ones that are the basis for every online quiz ever. There are 2 or 3 main ones that get a lot of play. The MDQ is one, I forget the names of the rest. They all easily conflate bipolar symptoms with other physical maladies that have similar symptomology.
Wow. I don’t even know what to say to this. It’s funny, because every time I think about my own bipolar diagnosis, I think of you (that’s right, I do!). I’m on lithium now and everything. But I don’t have any reason to mistrust my psychiatrist or therapist (though I suppose you didn’t at the time, either). I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling. I hope you’re okay.
Hi Satis! Nice to hear from you. I’m honored that you think of me, although I’m not sure all of the bitterness that accompanied the diagnosis, and thus was a large part of the content of my blog, has been helpful. I hope *YOU’RE* doing okay with everything. I’m not a psychiatrist, so take this with a grain of salt, but I HATED lithium and how it made me feel. Garbage, all around. Lamotrigine has had far fewer side effects. I would like to know how you’re doing with the transition though. Please let me know when you can? Take care.