Half-assed apology

by lifeonaxis1

…in advance.

Look y’all.  I’m not making any promises.  And I get that reading expressions of anger, paranoia, depression, anxiety, angst, dispair, and all that crap can be a total downer and energy sucker.  And I hate energy suckers.

But I put on my happy, everything is okay, I’m normal and most certainly NOT bipolar face on every day.  With friends, with family.  Fewer than 5 people know what is going on, and that is a LOT fewer than the number of people I have to face on a daily basis.  I have to teach a class for god’s sake.

The truth is…I’m ANGRY about having this condition.  I want to break shit and yell at people and say horrible mean things and be super mega destructive.  Fuck. This. Job.

I’m not even self-medicating right now.  I haven’t had a drink since the end of February, and I quit smoking cigarettes in March, which has made this experience all the more poignant and painful.  I’ve been at such low points that for the first time since I was 14 or so, I thought about cutting myself again because that would feel better than the internal shitstorm I feel.

I haven’t done it, but it’s tempting.

I’m pissed for so many complex reasons, it’s going to take at least a blog post each to describe each one.

Maybe, eventually, my anger will transition into something else.  This too shall pass, they say.  (But I’m pretty sure they weren’t imagining a lifetime illness like bipolar disorder when coming up with that cute little saying).  For now, everything is shit.

Life will never be the same.