Look y’all. I’m not making any promises. And I get that reading expressions of anger, paranoia, depression, anxiety, angst, dispair, and all that crap can be a total downer and energy sucker. And I hate energy suckers.
But I put on my happy, everything is okay, I’m normal and most certainly NOT bipolar face on every day. With friends, with family. Fewer than 5 people know what is going on, and that is a LOT fewer than the number of people I have to face on a daily basis. I have to teach a class for god’s sake.
The truth is…I’m ANGRY about having this condition. I want to break shit and yell at people and say horrible mean things and be super mega destructive. Fuck. This. Job.
I’m not even self-medicating right now. I haven’t had a drink since the end of February, and I quit smoking cigarettes in March, which has made this experience all the more poignant and painful. I’ve been at such low points that for the first time since I was 14 or so, I thought about cutting myself again because that would feel better than the internal shitstorm I feel.
I haven’t done it, but it’s tempting.
I’m pissed for so many complex reasons, it’s going to take at least a blog post each to describe each one.
Maybe, eventually, my anger will transition into something else. This too shall pass, they say. (But I’m pretty sure they weren’t imagining a lifetime illness like bipolar disorder when coming up with that cute little saying). For now, everything is shit.
Life will never be the same.