5:10am, no sleep
This does not bode well. I’ve been reading a lot about the factors that can lead to an “episode”, one of which is an irregular sleep schedule. Mine has been nothing BUT irregular for a long time. Starting last week for example here’s what I’ve got:
Thursday: don’t remember
Saturday: 7a-6p, 11p-12a
Sunday: 12a-6:30a, 8a-4p
The lack of hours during the week is the result of a few factors: extreme stress, teaching at 9am (with the exception of Wed which I missed), relationship conflicts, stress, stress. Then I slept most of the weekend because I didn’t feel like doing much of anything.
Now, here I am starting the cycle over again. Which means I’m more at risk for emotional fluctuations. I sure had them last week, when I cried hysterically to my ex that I feel guilty and shameful that I have this problem and that it stresses me out that he “has” to deal with it, and that he should just leave me. Yikes.
I also am so tired (and yet, can’t sleep strangely enough) that I don’t exercise the dogs regularly and I feel terrible about that. Last Fall when my depression was really bad, I even started looking for a home for my Big Dog A so he would get the proper care. After I started Prozac I changed my mind but now the Prozac isn’t doing a whole lot (more on that later).
Insomnia and irregular sleeping patterns are not new to me. I’ve been treated for insomnia before with a few different drugs: ambien, trazadone, some other stuff I can’t remember. What seemed to work best was completely dismantling my life to make a regular sleep schedule fundamental to my day. I guess with bipolar, that’s also a necessity.
I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, when I sleep regularly and go to bed early and likewise wake up early, I am much more productive. On the other hand, it means a decrease in flexibility of my schedule… meaning, I won’t be able to be as spontaneous about my time. This is very difficult for a free spirited bohemian such as myself, especially since I particularly enjoy the night life.
Life style changes… It’s what’s for breakfast.