force field, my ass.
i feel like shit. i’m sad, i want to cry, i just hurt. i guess it was just my anger that buffered these feelings last night, not the lithium. i knew it was too good to be true.
i felt angry all the way up until i read a blog that reminded me of something endearing about XBF, and then i felt the dam start to crack. i was kind of surprised since, you know, i thought i was now made of teflon. the familiar sting pierced my consciousness and now every moment is trying to find space around it in my mind. unsuccessfully.
thankfully (?), the lithium makes me tired. so tired that i came home from class and slept until 8pm. i don’t think i will have trouble falling asleep soon either thankfully. or maybe that’s the aching depression whose brief hiatus tricked me. the sneaky son of a bitch.
don’t get me wrong. the short respite was welcome, but it’s kind of like pausing while getting a tattoo: before the break your skin developed a sense of numbness, which fades the longer of a break you take as nerve endings start to regain sensation…so starting up again hurts like a motherfucker. the moral of the story, of course, is don’t take a freaking break while getting a tattoo.
speaking of tattoos, i find myself wanting to act out more and more because i’m pissed off about this diagnosis. i envision myself as the young “sociopathic” inmate in girl, interrupted played by angelina jolie. i mean fuck it, right? my plans are shot. even if i do find someone who would be willing to date me, i’m reading statistics that bipolars have a 90% divorce rate. given my family history, i was already worried about a 50-60% divorce rate. but 90%? really? and it only goes up if you have additional, comorbid disorders, which I do (PTSD). so tell me, what is the fucking point?
on the other hand, maybe i will fulfill my polygamous dream of having a harem. yes. and i will call them by the day of the week.
“Monday! Oh, Monday! Where are you dear? It’s almost Tuesday and I have company coming. Shoo, shoo.”
Yeah. That could work.
in a sense, i have more freedom because i’m not so restricted by what a potential mate will want. e.g., now i have long, blonde locks, only a couple of tattoos and most of my “radical” piercings are gone. i know my manners and how to hold a conversation (sometimes). i know how to look classy but i’m flexible enough to fit in with people, ranging from the very poor to the very rich (although the latter do make me quite uncomfortable). i’m educated and i’ve traveled and read lots. all that crap. and all for what? because to be honest, i’ve been grooming myself for true love since i was a little girl. so i don’t end up like them, so lonely and angry. so i can create the family i always wanted.
now that that seems wiped off the menu, what now? now i can just follow my “id”, right? live for me because i’m pretty much going to be the one keeping myself company in this long haul. i’m pretty sure my dogs don’t care if my nose is pierced or i have dip dyed the ends of my hair blue. i can still look hot, i’ll just look counter culture hot and then i ward off most candidates anyway. the serious ones, at least.
i can start smoking cigarettes again. the shorter i have to spend living this fucked life the better. might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
and don’t think i won’t test each and every one of those so-called boundaries with bipolar. sleep the same time every night? well what if i change the schedule by 2 hours? 4? no drinking? let’s see how many i can get away with. i’ll exercise if i FEEL like it. why do i want to treat this body with any respect anyway? it’s letting me down. why invest in it anyway? i’m like the motherfucking walking dead.
and why finish this stupid PhD? in hindsight, the people in this fucking place have triggered so many episodes that i should sue. unsafe work environment.
it’s not like i’m going to be able to do the work i want to do anyway. maybe i can still write up a business proposal so someone can do it. it was strongly aligned with my values and i do still think it could help people. just someone else will execute it. but who can?? i designed the business based on my specialized training and experience.
it’s just appalling, y’all. i just want to completely self-destruct.