just kidding y’all, i made it all up
it looks like my little 6 hour nap yesterday is going to have to take the place of sleep tonight. i’m tired but my mind’s newest little hobby is beating dead horses. quite good at it too, if i do say so myself.
the latest equine victim is a little piece of the conversation i had with XBF two nights ago. mostly i’ve just trying to understand how XBF gets off saying these things without understanding his gross hypocrisy. when i think about it, i throw up a little in my mouth.
it involved his response when i asked him to please just read the book after he was saying something about not knowing what to do or how to handle this. i had already read through a good chunk of it, and it looked like it could give us a lot of guidance for how to deal with bipolar. even if my second and third and fourth opinions come back saying i don’t have bipolar disorder, it’s still a great guide for helping couples deal with mood disorders. and if i’m not bipolar, i have depression and anxiety and PTSD. any way you cut it, the book would be useful. besides, i fucking paid for it so he can’t even say that, as a Jew, it would be waste of money until we knew for sure (and he totally would say something like that, just to clarify). on top of all that, he promised me he would read it because he would “do anything to help me feel less stressed”.
and now, all of the sudden, he refused to read it and wanted a few days to think about it. what?? i had to get to the bottom of this one. it’s just my nature.
if i hadn’t heard it myself, i wouldn’t have believed it if you told me. he said, “it’s always something. before you were just going to take antidepressants and then everything would be fine, and then you changed your meds and everything was supposed to be fine. and now you’re going on lithium, and you just want me to read this book so everything will be fine.”
i am glad that i was emotional and confused because i would have RIPPED HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF if i had had my wits about me.
let’s recap, shall we?
sometime around last october, i realize i am depressed. severely. i have never been so depressed in my entire life. i do my best to keep it together but none of my old tricks work. finally, in december i go in to get help from Psych Services. after a couple of weeks, i am put on Prozac. i specifically requested this one to increase my energy levels, which were abysmal. XBF at the time didn’t mind because it meant i played a TON of video games with him.
unbeknownst to me, those really super good amazing feelings i was having once i started Prozac likely resulted from overactivation (which became one indicator my second psychiatrist used to diagnose bipolar 2). but i felt amazing! i got so much done, it was great. i also spent a shit ton of money. boy was that therapeutic. i’ve been fucked since but it was great at the time. in any case, XBF had been expressing concerns about my smoking cigarettes, and i had wanted to try quitting again too. after all, i am 29 and i wanted my body good and healthy for starting a family in 4 or so years (pfft). since prozac had me feeling so great, i thought i’d give it a whirl. so i went back to psychiatrist number 1, who prescribed me wellbutrin.
i started wellbutrin at the end of february and quit smoking on March 1. however, after about 4 weeks, i noticed i was REALLY stimulated from both prozac and wellbutrin. i was tense, uncomfortable, anxious, etc. i had even noticed i was getting more anxious around XBF, and i became increasingly more scared and paranoid about long distance. a few problems sprouted between us so i decided to go back to psychiatrist 1 to change something to reduce anxiety.
i had to stay on wellbutrin another 2-4 weeks so i had him switch me to zoloft so i wasn’t freaking out so much. he also gave me valium for the interim. then, i was fucking exhausted and sleeping all the time and THAT wouldn’t work either because i had work to do. even not taking valium, i had a hard time staying awake. so i went back AGAIN and the doc switched my wellbutrin to 3x a day, instant release tabs to get a little boost of energy.
as soon as i was done with the wellbutrin, i went BACK on Prozac because it had been so great before. i couldn’t wait to be so productive again, and this time as a non-smoker! around this time psychiatrist #1 moved to another state so i was introduced to psychiatrist #2, who immediately pegged me for bipolar 2. it took me at least 3 weeks to think she might be right and even that was after i joined the blogging community and read so many stories that sounded like my own. finally, i broke down and decided to take lithium because prozac wasn’t working on it’s own and the depression felt unbearable, so i was willing to try anything. and that’s where i am now. and i am trying to make sense of all this by joining the online community, and by finding resources for my friends and family and, i thought, my love.
so technically, yes he’s right. i’m always trying something, and i always expect that it will make things better.
well, DUH! that’s because i’m trying to get treatment to get better!!
i thought i was depressed so i took anti-depressants. i switched them around to manage side effects. i learned about the bipolar diagnosis so i sought out resources and finally decided to take the medication while ALSO making appointments for second and third opinions. so will someone tell me WHAT THE FUCK THE PROBLEM IS?!
i mean, what he’s saying is the equivalent of me giving him shit for his last heart surgery because it was supposed to CURE his condition. well it didn’t. do i blame him for this? of course not! (because I’m not a DICK!)
so i guess he can’t be bothered to read through the book because according to him, it won’t solve anything. because according to him, i am just doing all of this for fucking kicks.