little white lie
okay, i know i said that XBF and i talked all night and that’s mostly true. mostly.
when he arrived i was disoriented and confused, so i kept my physical distance from him. i actually felt incapable of making decisions to some degree, and so at one point when he tried to lean in and kiss me, i told him i felt uncomfortable. it also seemed misleading to be kissing him when i really have no idea what’s going on. so he stopped.
then when i woke up sometime around 4 or 5 in the morning and we started talking again, the strange sensations had seemed to subside and i found myself openly staring at XBF. i had noticed the night before that he lost a bunch of weight and his face had taken on a more chiseled appearance. clearly the working out and eating healthy are paying off. i mean, even before this i could lock in on his features and it was just like a rat pressing a lever. i’d look at him, and my brain would shoot off dopamine.
reward, reward, reward.
now i found myself just completely doomed. i got lost in the shape of his nose, the line of his jaw, the tone of his skin. the sensation of looking at him was pleasing, like someone was giving my brain a massage. i started feeling a little high again, except this was a different animal entirely. it was a familiar feeling, but i was having trouble placing it.
i don’t remember how, but then we got on the topic of me having sex with a woman, and then threesomes. XBF isn’t comfortable with either idea (…i know, i think he’s an alien too), but i was feeling a little feisty so i asked him if it wouldn’t turn him on to see me go down on a woman (i didn’t put it so politely but you get the idea). and he said yes but wouldn’t i be uncomfortable seeing him have sex with another woman?
maybe, maybe not. it is a fantasy of mine, after all. i just don’t know that i could execute it. in any case, i had a sudden flash of this image in my mind and all of the sudden that feeling of being high shot up and i couldn’t breathe.
i was fucking HORNY!
this may not seem like a big deal to y’all, but i’ve been coming out of the depression from HELL and my sex drive hasn’t been the same for nearly a year. a YEAR! and for someone whose sexuality has been a central part of her identity since pretty much puberty hit, you can imagine how disturbing the loss might feel.
I was back. I kind of wanted to cry tears of joy, but instead i decided to carpe diem and enjoy the moment. if you know what i mean.
afterward, he asked if i’ve been reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
i’ll take that as a compliment. 🙂