2:51am friday morning
i don’t think i ever really knew the meaning of the word BORED until now. i am bored with everything. sleep, work, people, you name it. i don’t give a fuck. it’s all just dull and what’s the point.
i play video games and watch “I shouldn’t be alive” on Netflix. i’ve become obsessed with trophies on the playstation network. today i played infamous after my nap and i earned 4 or 5 trophies. it’s funny; i once sabotaged a relationship (because i never have been good at breaking up with someone and keeping it that way) because this dude played video games day and night. i found it so annoying at the time. oh, how the tables have turned.
most days i can’t even walk my dogs. it just wasn’t happening today, although yesterday we got in a solid 30 minutes off leash. sometimes in the middle of the night, around 12-1am, we sneak over to the school across the street so they can at least run around for a little bit. i walk laps around the perimeter while they run and explore and chase each other. still, i can’t get myself to do that regularly.
which brings me back to my earlier post where i explained why finding out i’m bipolar pisses me the hell off. i’m too bored to be pissed off right now but i can still make my point.
this depression is debilitating. how exactly am i supposed to fulfill my role as a parent if this mood is standard issue? in other words, even if my children are somehow lucky and do not have any bipolar spectrum disorders, they still have to deal with MY moods. and this lithium is doing a shit job so far so i am not getting my hopes up. what’s more, if the onset of an episode is associated with stress, then isn’t having children just asking to be episodic all the time?? aren’t i just recreating the unstable environment i had hoped to avoid with my own family?
and here’s the other part. i am almost 30 years old, folks. i was in a place where i had plans and they made sense. now, most of my plans have gone to shit, and those that haven’t are up in the air for an indeterminate amount of time until i can figure out what this illness will look like.
so i basically feel like life just scrambled up my plans, handed back a mess and said sorry, try again. well fuck that. i don’t have the energy to start over, to figure out what i can do and what i can’t do.
BOLLOCKS, UNIVERSE!! I SAID BOLLOCKS, YOU HEAR!?
i’m just not going to do it.