reflections, continued. 🙂
March 14, 2012
Wednesday 12:59 am
Another whole day passed. You said you would talk to me… Monday. It’s now Wednesday and I haven’t heard a peep. Luckily I slept through most of the day, and tried to not wallow in too much sorrow while I walked the dogs and read. For the most part, I was virtually motionless. My neuroses of course are starting to rear their ugly heads and I spent an hour or so searching for information on the silent treatment. I don’t know if you are just punishing me or if you are really considering the end of our relationship. I’m not okay with either option.
I am so so tired of dealing with consequences. I have faithfully stood up and dealt with those, both self-inflicted and not, since last summer. I really just want some peace. I don’t want stress anymore and this kind of conflict is extremely damaging given my depression. I don’t like to say it but maybe right now is not the time for us. I feel like you are expecting too much in too short of a time. You want confidence of ownership. You want no irresponsible behavior or decisions. You want complete commitment. I feel like you haven’t been listening to me if those are the demands you are making. I love you and I want to be with you, but I don’t want to make promises of forever right now. There is still too much to learn. Clearly.
I’ve spent the last two days in bed, pretty much. I think tomorrow I will be done wasting my spring break fretting over this. I can’t control the outcome here. The best thing I can do for myself is to experience, deal with, and process my emotions and to decide what is best for me.
I’m not perfect, I never wanted to be, and I don’t want that to be the expectation.