broken

by lifeonaxis1

reflections, continued.  🙂

 

March 14, 2012

Wednesday 12:59 am

Another whole day passed.  You said you would talk to me… Monday.  It’s now Wednesday and I haven’t heard a peep.  Luckily I slept through most of the day, and tried to not wallow in too much sorrow while I walked the dogs and read.  For the most part, I was virtually motionless.  My neuroses of course are starting to rear their ugly heads and I spent an hour or so searching for information on the silent treatment.  I don’t know if you are just punishing me or if you are really considering the end of our relationship.  I’m not okay with either option.

I am so so tired of dealing with consequences.  I have faithfully stood up and dealt with those, both self-inflicted and not, since last summer.  I really just want some peace.  I don’t want stress anymore and this kind of conflict is extremely damaging given my depression.  I don’t like to say it but maybe right now is not the time for us.  I feel like you are expecting too much in too short of a time.  You want confidence of ownership.  You want no irresponsible behavior or decisions.  You want complete commitment.  I feel like you haven’t been listening to me if those are the demands you are making.  I love you and I want to be with you, but I don’t want to make promises of forever right now.  There is still too much to learn.  Clearly.

I’ve spent the last two days in bed, pretty much.  I think tomorrow I will be done wasting my spring break fretting over this.  I can’t control the outcome here.  The best thing I can do for myself is to experience, deal with, and process my emotions and to decide what is best for me.

I’m not perfect, I never wanted to be, and I don’t want that to be the expectation.