broken
by lifeonaxis1
reflections, continued. 🙂
March 14, 2012
Wednesday 12:59 am
Another whole day passed. You said you would talk to me… Monday. It’s now Wednesday and I haven’t heard a peep. Luckily I slept through most of the day, and tried to not wallow in too much sorrow while I walked the dogs and read. For the most part, I was virtually motionless. My neuroses of course are starting to rear their ugly heads and I spent an hour or so searching for information on the silent treatment. I don’t know if you are just punishing me or if you are really considering the end of our relationship. I’m not okay with either option.
I am so so tired of dealing with consequences. I have faithfully stood up and dealt with those, both self-inflicted and not, since last summer. I really just want some peace. I don’t want stress anymore and this kind of conflict is extremely damaging given my depression. I don’t like to say it but maybe right now is not the time for us. I feel like you are expecting too much in too short of a time. You want confidence of ownership. You want no irresponsible behavior or decisions. You want complete commitment. I feel like you haven’t been listening to me if those are the demands you are making. I love you and I want to be with you, but I don’t want to make promises of forever right now. There is still too much to learn. Clearly.
I’ve spent the last two days in bed, pretty much. I think tomorrow I will be done wasting my spring break fretting over this. I can’t control the outcome here. The best thing I can do for myself is to experience, deal with, and process my emotions and to decide what is best for me.
I’m not perfect, I never wanted to be, and I don’t want that to be the expectation.
It’s sad, but perfection is often our expectation even when we profess it not to be. After all, the moment people stop being perfect, we start having to handle their problems as well as our own. I think you will be in a better place to decide when you have had the time to process.
i keep telling myself i need time to process and i keep finding myself not taking it.