self-flagellation

by lifeonaxis1

March 20, 2012

My inner critic won’t shut up today.  I have been flogging myself for little things since XBF’s parents came into town.  I find myself tensing up, avoiding painful thoughts, experiencing anxiety and general discomfort.  I am pretty sure its exacerbated by the fact that I had caffeine this morning, and I also haven’t gotten serious exercise in a while.  It occurred to me that drinking temporarily silences that inner critic, and that’s why it might be especially appealing.  I am able to fully let go and enjoy the moment.  Unfortunately, it also has the unfortunate byproduct of behaviors that I later regret, and then I’m back to square one again.  So now, I’m wallowing in it, with negative comments zinging back and forth, striking me.  A thought will take hold and I will freeze.  I catch my breath, my whole body is tense, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to shove out the thought and the extremely uncomfortable shame that accompanies it.  I have thought that it might be valuable to try to stay in the shameful moment, to experience it and process it.  But, I can’t seem to do it.  It’s too horrifying.  The fear and discomfort is too great to handle.

Even when my inner critic is quiet, I feel a general tension.  Waiting for the next negative thought to terrorize my mind, my body.  There is no escape.  I look forward to therapy, to help me through these moments, and hopefully to reduce their impact on my life.

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