self-flagellation
by lifeonaxis1
March 20, 2012
My inner critic won’t shut up today. I have been flogging myself for little things since XBF’s parents came into town. I find myself tensing up, avoiding painful thoughts, experiencing anxiety and general discomfort. I am pretty sure its exacerbated by the fact that I had caffeine this morning, and I also haven’t gotten serious exercise in a while. It occurred to me that drinking temporarily silences that inner critic, and that’s why it might be especially appealing. I am able to fully let go and enjoy the moment. Unfortunately, it also has the unfortunate byproduct of behaviors that I later regret, and then I’m back to square one again. So now, I’m wallowing in it, with negative comments zinging back and forth, striking me. A thought will take hold and I will freeze. I catch my breath, my whole body is tense, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to shove out the thought and the extremely uncomfortable shame that accompanies it. I have thought that it might be valuable to try to stay in the shameful moment, to experience it and process it. But, I can’t seem to do it. It’s too horrifying. The fear and discomfort is too great to handle.
Even when my inner critic is quiet, I feel a general tension. Waiting for the next negative thought to terrorize my mind, my body. There is no escape. I look forward to therapy, to help me through these moments, and hopefully to reduce their impact on my life.
I’ve always wondered that shame is such a debilitating emotion. Deeper than guilt, harsher than hate, it is the awful acceptance that we’ve done something abhorrent, and we have no excuse. It took me nearly ten years (i.e. the entirety of knowing my wife) before I realized the truth behind some of my behaviors: I was ashamed. It doesn’t justify them, but it was such a relief to be able to say it.
yep. there is a great TED talk about it: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html