March 20, 2012
My inner critic won’t shut up today. I have been flogging myself for little things since XBF’s parents came into town. I find myself tensing up, avoiding painful thoughts, experiencing anxiety and general discomfort. I am pretty sure its exacerbated by the fact that I had caffeine this morning, and I also haven’t gotten serious exercise in a while. It occurred to me that drinking temporarily silences that inner critic, and that’s why it might be especially appealing. I am able to fully let go and enjoy the moment. Unfortunately, it also has the unfortunate byproduct of behaviors that I later regret, and then I’m back to square one again. So now, I’m wallowing in it, with negative comments zinging back and forth, striking me. A thought will take hold and I will freeze. I catch my breath, my whole body is tense, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to shove out the thought and the extremely uncomfortable shame that accompanies it. I have thought that it might be valuable to try to stay in the shameful moment, to experience it and process it. But, I can’t seem to do it. It’s too horrifying. The fear and discomfort is too great to handle.
Even when my inner critic is quiet, I feel a general tension. Waiting for the next negative thought to terrorize my mind, my body. There is no escape. I look forward to therapy, to help me through these moments, and hopefully to reduce their impact on my life.