virtual love doctor
March 21, 2012
The anxiety subsided today. I made a point to avoid drinking coffee, and it seemed to work. Still, I’m uneasy. The reason today? I am starting to feel uncomfortable that you haven’t really talked to me this week. Who am I kidding. I’ve been uncomfortable for days. And it’s only Wednesday! I swear, I’m neurotic. With you, I’m vulnerable. I was thinking about it this week, and it would really, really tear me to pieces if we break up. I am completely in love with you and day by day I increasingly think I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s hell. I realize some of my actions have been shit: I hurt you by doing drugs, twice. And I hurt you when I let you know that there were a couple times I was drunk and someone kissed me (although I stopped it). I have betrayed trust also, by looking through your phone (although my inclination was correct: you did send the pictures to your cousin). I don’t even want to begin on last semester… I tried to break up with you, several times. I was emotionally unstable and a mess when I drank. It’s horrifying. How did you stay with me? Why? Could you have even known me well enough at the time to know I’m worth it? Was I just another one of your projects to fix? Maybe the novelty is wearing off…
I did a google search, because I get love advice from the internet these days… (sigh). Usually I find a bunch of shit, but one girl gave this response that I want to keep in mind:
“Here’s how the issue breaks down. First, what’s on the surface – he’s upset with something you said. His way of dealing with it is to completely shut you out for a week. You do your due dilligence by contacting him a couple of times and he tells you he’ll contact you. So he knows that you would like to hear from him. There is no need for you to contact him again.
The second issue is how he deals with his feelings of frustration towards you. In a relationship, you have to make a deal about how you are going to deal with conflict. That means that you must negotiate appropriate boundaries in your relationship. Although you would prefer to hash out issues that day, maybe he really needs time to think about his emotions. So you agree to two days of no contact and then it’s his responsibility to call you and iniate conversation. This is the ideal situation.
Instead, he simply takes all the time he wants while you are left in limbo, feeling heartbroken, confused, and frustrated yourself. You don’t deserve to feel this way. You deserve to know what is going on. BUT, the time to take action is not while he is ignoring you. It is either before this happens again or after, when he finally contacts you. If you continue to contact him, you will start to seem desperate and he will take advantage of this – stringing you along further. If you wait, you will show him and yourself that you do have some self control in this and this will be very important for this next issue.
The final issue is that you need to evaluate this relationship. While I noted that you do not need to take action while he’s ignoring you, I simply meant that you don’t need to take action to CONTACT him. I DO think you need to take action in your own mind to really think about what you want and need in this relationship. You need to brace yourself. For a man to do this, you can’t help but wonder if he’s really invested in you or using this as an excuse to do some dirt on the side or simply pulling away from you emotionally. As such I would recommend:
1. Making a list of the pros/cons of this relationship
2. Making a list of the things you will need for this relationship to continue (especially concerning how long he goes without contacting you)
3. Examining the reasons why you contact him so much (journal about it if you need to)
4. Writing out some of the qualities an ideal relationship has for you
5. Comparing your list from #1 to #4
6. Talking to trusted friends and get their perspective on his actions
7. Writing out, right now, how you would feel if he broke up with you. This is hard, but I want you to prepare for this possibility.
This will not only help you keep busy but also help you create a plan of action. You need to be strong and ask for what you want in this relationship – once you start talking again. If he can’t give it, you need to be able to walk away.”
I am pretty impressed with that response. It’s empowering and gets me out of my own head. Or, it stops me from letting my emotions be so extreme and fluctuating.