a knot formed in my stomach after i finished my last post. i remembered that i hadn’t told XBF about the cheating incident. in fact, i had lied to him several times when he specifically asked about it. he had made a big deal out of cheating and i didn’t have the guts to tell him.
i’m feeling more stable and grounded now, and it felt wrong to keep up a charade. besides, we’re entering talks of getting back together so i felt he should have all of the information before making any commitments. this is the last of a series of emotional bombs i dropped on XBF over the past 6 months or so. i hope.
i told him over the phone. i was very matter-of-fact about it, giggly even. that wasn’t intentional, i was just nervous and scared.
we got into it a bit. it took everything i had to stay on the phone. i would have preferred to just hang up the phone and go back to playing video games.
i tried to provide explanations for my behavior, but they were all just interpreted as excuses. he got pretty angry and reminded me about our accountability conversation. i thought i was being accountable but saying so just made him even more pissed off. clearly, we have different definitions.
he said i didn’t sound remorseful at all; he was right. that would have been too threatening. showing emotions would have left me vulnerable.
we could have spent the rest of the afternoon bickering about details. finally, i threw in the towel and apologized and said i was wrong to lie etc etc. suddenly the once tumultuous ocean was now flat and calm.
he sounded tired but appreciative. there was affection in his voice. this felt less threatening to me, so i felt comfortable being more emotional too. i cried and told him he really has seen the worst sides of me this past year. it’s true. i can’t figure out why he still wants to be with me but he does.
that feeling of acceptance, though, is priceless.