bolster the levee

by lifeonaxis1

i’ve been a little MIA the past few days.  i find i’m enjoying the zen silence of my mind, even though it can be unbelievably BORING at times.  i’m slowly introducing people and activities back into my life.  i have to actively suppress the urge to add too much at once. i certainly don’t want to over do it and end up in that depression shit show again.  but old habits die hard.

visited the psychiatrist this morning and begged for some fucking caffeine because i’ve also been pretty sleepy during the day.  she said to try it in moderation.  i’m starting with a sugar free red bull.  does that count?

i balked when she told me that being unable to stay awake past 2am is normal.  is this true?  how is that possible?  it’s also apparently “normal” to need to go back to sleep if you don’t sleep for enough hours.  i slept 5 hours one day and literally HAD to go back to sleep.  i just didn’t set an alarm and slept another 6 hours.  this is bizarre, and it is a little frustrating to be honest because there are already not enough hours in the day!!

i was totally on track to write about something else but then the thought escaped me and it’s gone.  completely gone.  whereas my old self could have used contextual cues to figure out what it was again, these days once a thought leaves the building, it is really gone.  which brings me to another point–and i’m just going to roll with it–that i have been considering an evaluation for ADHD.  losing my train of thought this frequently has made it extraordinarily difficult to hold conversations.  when i meet with research assistants i get lost mid-sentence several times.  it doesn’t exactly look good.

brought this up with the psychiatrist this morning and she let me know that an ADHD diagnosis can’t even be made until my mood stabilizes.  so i essentially have to wait 3-6 months before getting a neuropsych eval.  i mean, of course, i can find some quack who will give me the diagnosis, but given the probability of my bipolar diagnosis slowly edging upward and because i’m on non-trivial medication, i’m uncomfortable at the thought of blithely introducing other medications into the mix.  which is fucking dull, by the way.  i feel like a total square.

it’s like wearing new skin.  and it doesn’t want to take.