now i know what narcolepsy feels like
by lifeonaxis1
just kidding; i have no idea. but it has felt like i have something approximating narcolepsy since yesterday. i only got 5 hours of sleep Sunday night which then led me to REQUIRE another 6 hours of sleep during the day Monday. despite my lengthy nap, i could not keep my eyes open past 11:30pm, when i crashed out for another 12 hours. you would think i would be rested again but no. i have had to take 2 naps today just to get by. i’d probably still be sleeping right now if it weren’t for my therapist appointment.
speaking of therapy, i’ve been seeing this woman for about a month now. she specializes in mood disorders, especially bipolar. she’s been hesitant to diagnose me without getting to know more about me first. today i asked what her opinion is, and she said she also thinks I have bipolar 2.
i’ve got a lot of mixed feelings about this.
for one, it’s a relief because my decision to start medication has been vindicated to some degree. i’ve taken a nontrivial amount of grief for that from various people who didn’t believe my first opinion and wanted me to get a second opinion first.
second, i feel sad. this is a bit surprising to me, since i had already felt at least some level of acceptance of the diagnosis.
third, i feel uncomfortable because i don’t yet know the impact this condition will have on me and my life.
fourth, i simultaneously feel scared people will find out, but i also want to tell a lot of people. i don’t want to hide from it.
fifth, i feel blank.
Mood Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified 
Dont hide from anything, just be you . . . that is more then good enough.
The “me” i am now feels like a broken version of the “me” i was before. I struggle to accomplish even the simplest tasks and I get overwhelmed so easily. To me it’s safer to hide from everyone so there is no chance they will find out.
I get it, I really, really get it. I find that doing the laundry or even going to the grocery store is to much. I know it is hard when everyone else around seems to be taking over the world, and I can’t get anything done. I feel you, being overwhelmed is all consuming, the anxiety I feel to be able to do a “normal”job and just can’t is overbearing. I have learned maybe you can to, just remember if they don’t like you, fuck them, they never will. We are a beautiful work in progress, climbing that ever so steep hill. We shall get there, all that much stronger.
i’m so glad to hear i’m not alone in this. it is SO FRUSTRATING to not be able to get anything done. it’s like i’m banging up against a glass cube. can’t see it, but it’s there, and it’s strong.
thanks for your lovely comment. 🙂
we are all in it together. Chin up doll, we are going to be ok.
thanks 🙂 you’re right. “okay” might not look like what we originally planned, but it will still be “okay”
It’s like proof, isn’t it. A big “in your face” to those who doubted you, and at the same time a dreadful resignation to the fact that this may be the rest of your life.
Do you feel your therapist is helping you? I know it’s still early days, but even speaking can bring things out you might never have thought of. I hope it goes well.
that’s exactly right. still, the doubters seem to keep doubting. not sure what to make of that. this is one of the loneliest experiences of my life. thank goodness i have this blog and commenters like you!
not sure about the therapist yet. she’s been poking around in my life trying to get a sense of things. time will tell.
Why do you feel sad? It’s just a diagnosis, it’s not who you are. A diagnosis is a tool to guide you along a path to feeling better. I understand it can be a little scary when you are first diagnosed, but you’ve already been living with this condition so nothing has really changed. I totally understand about being scared that people will find out. There is a huge stigma surrounding mental illness. This is one reason why I, and many other bloggers, write anonymously. You shouldn’t feel as though you have to share your diagnosis, but neither should you be afraid of it. I wouldn’t go screaming it from the rooftops, but you can if you like. Do what is right for you. Share it with those you trust most. Really, it’s up to you. You don’t have to tell anyone at all, if you don’t want to. That’s what HIPPA is for. But I urge you to keep writing and making contacts in the blog-o-sphere. There is a great bipolar support network out here. 🙂
i feel sad because i am mourning my identity before being diagnosed with bipolar. i am mourning the loss of the life i planned to have (and am now replanning). i’m also sad because i am reflecting on the number of people i have hurt during a bipolar episode.
thanks for your comment and support. i definitely lean on the bipolar bloggers out there to get by.