braising like a pot roast
by lifeonaxis1
i’ve spent much of the last week in quiet reflection. stewing. simmering. absorbing.
it’s the only way i can manage to process the unsavory idea that my second opinion has returned in the affirmative for bipolar disorder.
it’s still a working diagnosis to be sure, but my PhD, clinical psychologist, who specializes in mood disorders like bipolar, and who has 20 years of experience is inclined to think i’m bipolar too. blast.
shame is the predominant flavor, along with a handful of guilt, a splash of confusion, and a pinch of relief. i’ve thrown in a shake or two of denial too, for good measure.
the shame is perhaps the most irrational of the bunch, because it is just so completely enveloping. i feel like damaged goods. anything negative anyone has ever said about me suddenly feels more true. my enemies have been vindicated. i feel categorically different than “normal” people, like they are living this parallel life, unfazed, and i am watching from the shadows. hell, i AM a shadow.
it’s a delicate dance, and i haven’t been pushing it. i’m letting it wash over me and i’m observing. i will look forward to that period beyond the processing. the feeling of acceptance.
right after i get another opinion…
Mood Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified 
There’s nothing to be ashamed about (though I’m sure you already know this, and it doesn’t make a whiff of difference). I’ve always contended that there are no ‘normal’ people – just pe
ople who pretend to be normal. Some people know they’re pretending, some people don’t. We’re the (un)lucky ones who know better.
Sorry, the first comment got published prematurely.
I totally get this. Even now I sometimes hope for a second (okay, more like 5th) opinion about my diagnosis. That feeling is also part of the little voice that says “Stop taking your meds and make sure you *really* need them”…
Get as many opinions as you need, in my opinion! 🙂
I try to think of my BPD diagnosis as a positive; something which explains why I’ve reacted in certain ways in the past and screwed more relationships up than I can count. I know it’s easy for me to say “take it as a good thing”, but it is possible to find peace with a diagnosis.
I understand about feeling like tainted goods. I sometimes feel like much less of a person because I have BPD.
thanks for your comment. it takes a weight off just to hear others have shared the experience of feeling inferior.
i am processing this whole experience and i do hope to arrive at a place where i view it as a good thing. 🙂