stuck in hell

by lifeonaxis1

i’ve really done it this time.  my two, practically back-to-back (May-July, Dec-Jan) spending sprees have left me penniless.  i mean it when i say i am SO. FUCKED.

i have even fucked myself out of moving away from this shit hole.

my plans to move in with my grandma were thwarted in May when my grandma “spontaneously” decided to get a dog, precluding me (and my animals) from moving in.  not to mention my sister has moved in.

i also would have to think about the job situation there.  the economy in california is absolute shit right now, especially for faculty at the community colleges and CSUs.  from what i hear, the public colleges are just imploding on themselves.  i need to make enough to cover bills and pay down some of my credit card debt, and unfortunately it will take a substantial paycheck to do that in california.

i thought about living with my aunt up in the Pacific Northwest, but that turned out to be a sketch idea too.  i’m concerned about the weather affecting my moods, especially since i’d be moving right before fall and winter got started.  both my therapist and my psychiatrist said that bipolars are more susceptible to seasonal affective disorder.  not to mention she lives in a totally isolated place and you have to cross a US border to get to the nearest city, or pay a sizable fee for a ferry ride.  how would i find proper treatment there?  so, i’ve decided to wait until after the winter, and maybe head up there for a month after i leave here.

can’t afford to live on my own in california, or pretty much anywhere else, until i have some money saved up.  so, i’ve decided to stay.  as much as it pains me to say that.

i am working on changing my attitude about this place in the meantime.  if i think about it, it’s really just a bunch of horrible interpersonal experiences that make me hate it so much.  that, and the summer heat (although monsoons are cool), and GIGANTIC FUCKING BUGS.

i just have to forget the fact that it was the long and very painful series of events that set my bipolar episodes of the last year in motion.

there are positive things too.  i have met some friends for whom i have the deepest respect and admiration.  it’s sunny 355.5 days out of the year.  the desert ecology can be pretty.  there is a huge conservation community here, which i like.  i can afford it.  the pace of life is slower and more manageable than in the City of Angels.  i’m far enough away that my family can’t stress me out *too* much.  there is enough distance that they are always happy to talk to me rather than pick apart my life, although there is still some of that too (luckily, escape is just an “end call” button away!).

i’ve made my bed, now it’s time to lie in it.