life as an introvert

by lifeonaxis1

i’ve started to accept my new life as an introvert.  it’s kinda nice, actually.  simpler.  not leaving my house has become less out of dread and more out of preference.  i spend most of my time among furry things with four legs.  i’m starting to like animals more than people.

there are other factors.  being broke is one of them.  i can’t go get coffee or lunch with friends.  can’t afford to drink, and not sure i should yet.  i’m finding it’s pretty difficult to be social when you’ve got zero dollars to spend.

the other part of it is that i can’t make future plans to save my life, for two reasons.  one: my memory limitations are at an all-time high.  i’m starting to get really concerned about it and plan to make [another] doctor’s appointment soon.  in any case, i seem to be extremely limited in what i am able to remember in the short-term and what i am able to keep active in working memory.  if i get distracted, the thought can disappear forever.  i seem to constantly be operating in the present.  on the one hand, that’s pretty cool. on the other hand, it’s not going to get me a fucking doctorate.

the second reason i can’t (and don’t) make plans is that i can’t seem to follow through with almost ANYthing.  even the simplest tasks.  accomplishing anything must be done on impulse and i take the opportunity when it arises.  otherwise, i just can’t get myself to do it.  my grandma asked, “have you ever heard of discipline?” and i used to agree with her.  it’s at such a level now, though, that i simply don’t make plans or promises because i honestly can’t say if i will be able to do it or not.  i don’t know how long this will last.  i can only seem to focus on a few things at a time, and right now, all slots are taken with planning my online class this fall, my one tutoring student, and trying to get a part-time job.

this is quite an alarming turn of events, and i have no idea whether to attribute these problems to stress/trauma, lithium, bipolar, or something else.  it’s certainly not doing me any favors academically and i don’t know how long i can hold out before explaining to my advisor that i am cognitively impaired for an indefinite amount of time.

i’m also not comfortable with the fact that i’ve pretty much disappeared from most of my friendship circles.  i realize i am being an asshole because i’m not offering my support and friendship to them but i can’t seem to do anything about it.  an occasional text here and there.  a quick phone call.

but the idea of anything more makes me feel the panic i started to feel when i signed back on to my old Facebook account, when all of 5 minutes passed before i disabled it again.

too many people.  too many updates.  can’t keep up.

Advertisements