my ambivalent relationship with myself
I’m back. For how long, I don’t know. I took August off to prepare for the semester, but I haven’t had time since the semester started either. Teaching 160 kids is more work than I could have imagined. I’m behind, always. Research is at a standstill. I work 7 days a week.
Enough bitching about work. Time to bitch about something else.
Relationships. I hate them. And it has occurred to me that I hate them, in part, because they reflect back all of my past and force me to face it.
Trust issues. Abandonment issues. The infamous daddy issues. I fucking hate all of them. But in a relationship, they’re all there staring me in the face. Laughing at my inability to render them inert.
I can identify when they’re affecting me. That’s not the hard part. The hard part is reflecting on why they are there in the first place. That they bring me to a place of pain and suffering. A place where I feel helpless and unable to change things. I feel weak and inferior.
So, I do the logical thing (sarcasm) and get angry. I lash out because I feel pain so I need to inflict it too. I need to make the person who hurt me suffer.
I run away to escape the overwhelming feelings. I brood. I hate relationships more and wish I could be single so I don’t have to face these things about myself. Single me can move forward, and not be defined by those past experiences. In a relationship, I don’t have that control.
And it’s a vicious cycle, having trust issues. I have some insight but no trust to tell someone, no way to address them within the context of a relationship. Rational or not, no one is safe. Letting someone see me with all of my weaknesses is a threat I cannot bear.
I would rather be alone.