when all else fails, blame it on the bipolar
by lifeonaxis1
the bitch fest continues.
so now my favorite part about being “bipolar” is that it can conveniently become the scapegoat for all emotional responses. irritability, for instance. rather than being a normal response to a shitty situation is now reinterpreted to reflect “an extreme mood swing”.
fucking awesome.
say you fly 2000 miles and pay $400 (on a graduate student salary) to see someone, a boyfriend perhaps, for his birthday. you meet up with his friends and some family and plan to go out, except boyfriend hasn’t slept in two nights and he isn’t feeling well. no biggie, we’ll have dinner and hang out rather than go out.
the meals haven’t even arrived yet. i roll a cigarette to go out and smoke. boyfriend says, please don’t smoke right now, it will make me nauseous. okay, i put it away. a few minutes later, he’s saying, can you just not smoke for the entire night? mind you, there are other smokers in the party. i say that’s a little silly, and i will smoke less. boyfriend then proceeds to give me shit about starting smoking again. i say, do you really want to do this now?
so, boyfriend decides from that point on to stop talking to me and ignore me. he puts his arm up and turns completely away to talk to other people at the table. this is awkward. these are his friends and family. what am i supposed to do?
this ignoring continues for the rest of the night, and is supplemented by whispering to his friends about “the situation” with my smoking. awesome.
i get pissed. i try to play it cool. as the night wears on, i’m thinking about all the money i spent to be here. i’m thinking i should be grading right now. i was about to burst so i went outside to vent to my mom.
once the night is over and his friends drop us off, he starts to play nice. i’m still livid. boyfriend thinks i have no right to be mad and that i should just stop because it’s his birthday. eventually we work it out.
come to find out, my actions were somehow an “extreme mood swing” and that i made his birthday all about me, and that his family member who was present got a bad impression of me, and so on. oh, and that i didn’t seem to “care” that he was sick. never mind he is ALWAYS FUCKING SICK and isn’t on top of taking care of his health and i have only taken care of him a baJILLION fucking times. and on top of it, i was concerned about how he was feeling…until he started IGNORING ME.
apparently, i’m supposed to apologize. for what, i don’t know. also, the apparent appropriate reaction in that situation was to “fake it”. i don’t know how to say this any more clearly: that is NOT how i roll.
my grandmother once asked me to “fake it” when my mom and i weren’t getting along. i said to hell with that plan. if i won’t do it for my grandma, i sure as hell won’t do it for boyfriend.
i’ve dated my share of douches that try to make me second guess myself, and i’ve resolved to trust my gut. but when it comes to the bipolar, i’m on shaky ground. suddenly i have a mood disorder, so i have doubts about what “normal” vs “bipolar” behavior is. and this vulnerability scares me, and it makes me fucking angry. i can’t definitively defend myself because I. Don’t. Know. To me, my reaction makes sense in light of the situation. and i’m so furious that i can’t defend myself, and that if i try, my anger will come off as more proof of my mood instability.
but i’m just so angry because now bipolar is a crutch for any mood, valid or not. and using it is like a subtle reminder: you’re actually crazy and you can’t trust your own reality.
ahhh yes the now that you are bipolar there is no more just plain pissed the fuck off because people can be dickheads. Welcome to countless questions – did you take your meds.. you should..you are over reacting…
I have one thing to say…um that just sounded good I got oodles I might as well just be straight up…
ok well I don;t know what to say..except – ditch the boyfriend and any furure one that insists on consistently blaming all moodiness on bipolar – they either want to be martyrs, get a free pass for their idiotic behavior, or eventually drive you mad…more mad. And I thought you handled it very well I would stuck my fork in the back of his neck. Just saying.
As far as stopping the automatic assumption that its bipolar and not justifiable homicide – no wait keep the bipolar for the homicide and..trying to show justifiable anything (except homicide) is an exercise in understanding your illness and how it affects you. Me I can feel the pressure building and then eventually I will throw eggs or milk or ..point is.. know your triggers know how to contain yourself and do it. If you are going to lose it..remove yourself immediately from anyone seeing….at least until you find someone who wont just use your illness as a crutch and reason to act like an assmunch. the only way to stop it is to show them. ANd so fucking what if you dont get it perfect….you ARE bipolar ..you are allowed to flip out…
Also find a fallback person – someone you feel safe and protected with who will let you come unhinged for no good reason..because you still will… I have a very hard time being alone at those times… but I don;t fall apart jut anywhere… trying to create a positive image of bipolar – thinking head spinning at whim not a good idea..
yup fork in the back of the neck then when he went apeshit…I’d say my my you are soooo over reacting…. there’s my 3 cents that you probably well I hope you get something out of it. self awareness … very helpful for management and containment
If that fails then play the part. They want a crazy bipolar mood swing – have at it. Nothing more fun than fucking with normal peoples heads when they know you have a SMI..When in Rome etc et all… and I have done some silly shit after being fd up…
Lizzie
LMFAO!!! Thanks for your take on this. I certainly envisioned doing something akin to stabbing him in the neck with a fork. I never act on it, although doing so in my imagination is really satisfying. I told my therapist about my violent thoughts and she says I need to take up boxing to let it out.
I have thought about playing into the bipolar but a) like most abnormal groups, each of us becomes a representative for bipolar (this is my choice about it and i’m not suggesting behavior for anyone else), and b) i don’t want to be the boy who cries wolf. if i’m going to lose my shit, it’s going to be real and it’s going to be fucking serious. like when my sister was hospitalized and i destroyed my room and then collapsed into an unresponsive heap on the bed.
and i guess i can’t deny that my pride plays a pretty big role in this too…