word vomit

by lifeonaxis1

i need to go back to kindergarten.  that’s where they teach you how to respond to mean kids, right?

because i am apparently fucking retarded when it comes to that.  or so i’m led to believe.

help me out here: when someone says something inflammatory to you, what exactly is the “correct” way to respond?  all of my efforts have been labeled “wrong”.

  • i have tried leaving the situation to get my head on straight.  not acceptable.
  • i have tried keeping my cool, but the inflammatory remarks just keep coming until i boil over.  not acceptable.
  • i have skipped the bullshit, and gone straight to yelling.  not acceptable.

it seems that the only “right” thing to do is to listen to a several minutes-long monologue about why everything i’m saying is wrong, and oh by the way, don’t you see how angry you are getting and how calm i am?

let’s reflect on this situation.

i ran out of money in February.  my fault, to be sure.  but i wasn’t going to get caught up until end of August at the earliest, when financial aid comes in.  by july, whatever income i had from teaching had all but dried up.  i started pounding the pavement, and put about 9 job applications in when a sweet opportunity arose.  i can’t elaborate on the specifics, but let’s just say i talked to an friend who needed some tutoring for a couple of courses in order to graduate.  for helping him pass his classes, i would get a nice chunk of change that would help me make ends meet (almost).

this person also happens to be the kid i hung out with during my manic period last year.  right before boyfriend and i got together.  boyfriend does not like this guy.  he’s super jealous and bitches about him all the time.  whatever.

so, i did my tutoring thing and the kid would send me money.  we came up with a story that we’re boyfriend/girlfriend to explain the rather large sums coming my way.  to me, this was no big deal.  i didn’t tell boyfriend because a) i don’t feel like disclosing all of my decisions to him, and b) he would undoubtedly not understand and lose his shit.

well, one day, boyfriend decides to “spontaneously” pick up my phone and the text message window is up, with the kid saying (*joking*) about skype sex and calling me girlfriend.  im pretty sure i even replied “in your dreams”.  but nevertheless, boyfriend reads this set of messages and loses his shit, as expected.  i apologize because it made him uncomfortable.  it was a major blow out for boyfriend though.  i don’t know, maybe it should have been.

so, that was in…July, i think.  today, i’m skyping with boyfriend who drops this magnificent bomb on me that “i almost cheated on him”.  and since that isn’t true, i didn’t even know what to think or what direction he was going with it.  so i ask, huh?

and he says, you almost cheated on me with [the kid] when you were texting that whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

i try to keep my cool.  i disagree with him.  the anger starts to rise.  i try to get off the phone to clear my head, but boyfriend persists.  there’s no hiding the anger when i say i find him controlling and i find that repugnant.  it goes downhill from there, and i let loose.  rather than acknowledge anything i say, he says “see, now how angry you are getting and how calm i am?”

he wants me to be quiet so he can spend 15 minutes talking.  no joke, that is his solution.  but when he says that last bit, i have nothing left to inhibit my actions.

without looking at the screen, i hang up.