breaking up is hard to do

by lifeonaxis1

i’ve been single about 24 hours now.  i’ve felt anger, relief, sadness, anxiety, and nothing at all.  much of the day, i’ve had a heavy heart, but the knowledge that it will pass helps me not wallow in it too much.

i didn’t even mean to break up with boyfriend yesterday.  at least, i didn’t intend it.  i was thinking that his visit in a couple of weeks would be a good time, or shortly after that.  you know.  dignified and all that.

not at the drive thru at in-n-out.

i got about two days of “space” before boyfriend called 5 times and started texting that it was “really important”.  figuring it had to do with something other than us, i made the mistake of calling him back.  right away he started in on me.  how much i was stressing him out and how i am doing all of these things that hurt him.  he really wouldn’t let up, and i started to get angry, and then he sounded even more pitiful asking why i sounded so mad at him and describing how hurt he was.  the only thing i heard was reinforcement for my decision to end things.

when i remembered that i would be ending things rather than trying to repair them, i was able to calm down immediately.  this wasn’t my problem anymore.  i didn’t have to defend myself or explain why he was frustrating me or help him or have him try to “help me”.  i was one foot out the door to freedom.

it was really amazing.  the whole 15 minute conversation, i got barely a word in and he spent nearly the whole time telling me how i wouldn’t let him talk.  i heard him say that over and over again and i just had to smile…it wasn’t my problem anymore.

i tried to get off the phone.  the in-n-out drive through is not exactly the best place for these kinds of conversations.  he wouldn’t let up.  he wanted to know if i was going to break up with him.  i asked to call him back.  he wouldn’t let up.

i wouldn’t have done it in this context.  but i knew if i told him that i wasn’t going to break up him, he would throw it in my face when i did two weeks from now.  besides, i didn’t want to lie.

i took a deep breath, handed the cashier my money, and said yes.  it was the classiest moment of my life.  >.<

he lost his shit, as expected, and told me i could not break up with him over the phone.  the hell i can’t.