breaking up is hard to do
i’ve been single about 24 hours now. i’ve felt anger, relief, sadness, anxiety, and nothing at all. much of the day, i’ve had a heavy heart, but the knowledge that it will pass helps me not wallow in it too much.
i didn’t even mean to break up with boyfriend yesterday. at least, i didn’t intend it. i was thinking that his visit in a couple of weeks would be a good time, or shortly after that. you know. dignified and all that.
not at the drive thru at in-n-out.
i got about two days of “space” before boyfriend called 5 times and started texting that it was “really important”. figuring it had to do with something other than us, i made the mistake of calling him back. right away he started in on me. how much i was stressing him out and how i am doing all of these things that hurt him. he really wouldn’t let up, and i started to get angry, and then he sounded even more pitiful asking why i sounded so mad at him and describing how hurt he was. the only thing i heard was reinforcement for my decision to end things.
when i remembered that i would be ending things rather than trying to repair them, i was able to calm down immediately. this wasn’t my problem anymore. i didn’t have to defend myself or explain why he was frustrating me or help him or have him try to “help me”. i was one foot out the door to freedom.
it was really amazing. the whole 15 minute conversation, i got barely a word in and he spent nearly the whole time telling me how i wouldn’t let him talk. i heard him say that over and over again and i just had to smile…it wasn’t my problem anymore.
i tried to get off the phone. the in-n-out drive through is not exactly the best place for these kinds of conversations. he wouldn’t let up. he wanted to know if i was going to break up with him. i asked to call him back. he wouldn’t let up.
i wouldn’t have done it in this context. but i knew if i told him that i wasn’t going to break up him, he would throw it in my face when i did two weeks from now. besides, i didn’t want to lie.
i took a deep breath, handed the cashier my money, and said yes. it was the classiest moment of my life. >.<
he lost his shit, as expected, and told me i could not break up with him over the phone. the hell i can’t.