heart of sadness

by lifeonaxis1

i’ve tried all the standard tricks and i still feel like i’ve been punched in the gut.

actually, i’d prefer a punch to the gut to this.  a punch to the gut might hurt at the time, but healing would be noticeable.  measurable.  not so in this heartbreak hotel.  emotional pain is a different animal.

i went through all of the usual suspects.  shopping therapy.  ice cream.  chocolate.  comfort food.  alcohol.  illicit drugs.  sleep.  lots of sleep.  tv.  calling friends i haven’t talked to in a while.  all in a matter of about 72 hours.

i felt heavy and sad, but i didn’t break until just now.  not really.  i felt the sadness.  acknowledged it.  talked about it.  but i didn’t feel the loss until just now.  and the dam broke.

it’s silly really.  i started playing little big planet on the ps vita.  and i heard the whimsical, fantastical music and memories of times shared hit me like a bus.  the positive ones, the ones i would do well to ignore right after a break up.

the things i appreciated, even if it took a while.  the things i’m going to miss.  geeking out on technology news.  watching avgn, the guild, and video game high school.  discussing politics.  playing video games.  talking through road trips instead of listening to music.  sharing stories about pets.  his parents.  morning texts and pair pictures.  making predictions about things i might like…and being right.  what i’m sure was a strenuous, if misplaced, effort to make me happy.

there will be plenty of days to remind myself why i made my decision.  tonight i remember the good.