radio silence

by lifeonaxis1

radio silence continues.  by friday afternoon i felt like someone was stabbing me with a hot iron.  thoughts were swimming around in my head…mostly desperate, sad thoughts.

i couldn’t take it anymore, and since i’m a glutton for punishment i sent yet another text.  this one wasn’t intended to get a response, but i had some shit i needed to get off my chest.  apparently, i couldn’t go another minute without telling him that i’m sorry for hurting him.  that i was just really angry.  that i’m not asking to get back together but i love and miss him and wish him the best.

that one gave me about an hour of relief.

i went to my therapist and lost my shit, alternating between crying hysteria and a disconnected trance.  i cried about the end of my relationship.  i cried about how i handled it and about how i wish things were different.  i cried because i feel like i don’t know which way is up.

i cried because of the shame i felt for putting such emotional strain on someone i care about, and because i’m afraid that my guilt about being bipolar, and all of its consequences, will prohibit me from being open to relationships.  that i should just go crawl under a rock so i don’t hurt people.

in the eye of the storm, i reflected on my perception of the flaws associated with being bipolar, which is no doubt inflated, and the role of my approval-seeking, rejection-fearing, and hypervigilance in that perception.  don’t forget fear of abandonment, the little booster shot that makes the idea of relationships unbearable.

i was little more than a deflated heap of myself by evening.

my aunt called and i tried to explain some of this to her.  it’s hard to tell a family member you believe you’re a lowly piece of shit though, so it took a while to get the message across.  she tried a few tactics to help me, none of which felt like they worked…until an hour or so later when the thunder crashing around in my gut started to settle.  upon reflecting, i think it was a combination of her describing her perception of XBF based on our conversations, and her telling me that i’m doing all of these positive things and not a bad person and so on.  she had to use examples though, for me to believe her.  🙂

the waves of pain ebb and flow.  XBF is coming a week from today.  i’m going to try to have as few expectations as possible for his visit, although in my fantasies, we talk and hug and maybe even fuck.  i have one week to eliminate those ideas from my thoughts.  that morning, i’m set up to go to an Al-Anon meeting with a friend, and then get a massage.  preparing myself mentally, emotionally.

because even if i don’t want to admit it, there is a little part of me that knows radio silence doesn’t bode well.