hear ye, hear ye

by lifeonaxis1

i have made a decision.

the realization that a decision needed to be made hit me during my warm-up jog in the construction site where i take my boys for some off-leash time.

let me back up.

this morning, i had breakfast with a friend.  she was confiding in me about some atrocious behavior she has experienced in previous relationships.  i won’t lie; i could identify with most of it.  it sounded to me like she’d crossed paths with some major douche bags, but she didn’t suspect that the behavior might have been intentional until i suggested the possibility.  i could also commiserate with many of the dick behaviors she brought up.

i let the conversation percolate a bit.  i felt compassion and pain for my friend, and morbid curiosity about how amazing women end up in such situations.

and as i jogged, i reflected on my relationship with XBF and on the negging, backhanded compliments, and undermining confidence that made semi-regular appearances in our relationship.  i kept flipping back and forth, as i have many times before, on whether he was an asshole or just an idiot.

an asshole.  or an idiot.  those were the two options i came up with to explain his less-than-desirable behavior.  and this isn’t the first time i’ve oscillated between these prize-winning descriptions of a partner.  oh no.

so. my decision is this:  no more passive evaluation if i face this choice again.  i need to clear it up, quick style, so i can decide whether to stick around or not.

that decision entails not getting involved with anyone until i have the emotional fortitude to do so.  because let’s face it: i suck at confrontations to begin with.  mood fluctuations and depression aren’t going to do me any favors.