sneak attack

by lifeonaxis1

i’ve been going about my days quite nicely lately.

i get up at a reasonable hour, sometime between my first and third alarms (out of four).  i respond to emails, get ready for any meetings or appointments, and make them on time.  i come home, do some grading or other work-related tasks, and in the evening i take the boys out for a jog and hit the gym.

most of the time, i feel pretty damn good.

so tell me.  how is it that i spend all this time being productive, feeling good, and feeling over my ex, that as soon as i’m asked to talk about him i start to cry?

i can’t stop it and it catches me off guard.  i spend so much time distracting myself from thinking of him that it feels like i’m over it.  clearly i am not.

so knowing this, i try to venture into “deal with it” territory but i find i’m still too tender and it’s still too painful to think about.

i feel like one of those jenga towers and the subject of my ex is one of the blocks near the base.  well, i suppose it is not strictly my ex.  as one friend put it, all of my emotional response is not just about him.  i also struggle with a number of internal demons.  relationships appear to be a convenient vehicle for them to rise to the surface.

my seroquel just kicked in, and now i’m too tired to continue my line of thinking.  au revoir!