processing power

by lifeonaxis1

today a friend asked how she could help with my remaining feelings of tenderness for XBF.  i told her to remind me of all the reasons why he was not a good partner for me, or why i broke up with him.  i decided to start processing that task on my own.  here’s the first draft of my list.  it’s kind of appalling.  which means it’s working.  🙂

  1. Sexual Dissatisfaction 1: I pleased him more than he pleased me.
  2. Sexual Dissatisfaction 2: I was more interested in the sensual aspects of sex than he was.
  3. Sexual Dissatisfaction 3: He was hesitant/unwilling to experiment, or it would have taken too long for him to step out of the box.
  4. Not active enough; wouldn’t even go on walks with the dogs; the one hike we went on was short
  5. Overreacted when his values or worldview was challenged
  6. Was judgmental and invalidating when I felt angry.
  7. Rarely went on dates; often asked at the last minute even though I repeatedly said I wanted notice.
  8. Sick, frequently; needed caretaking; not appreciative enough
  9. Did not follow through on plans/commitments; unreliable.
  10. Could not count on him for emotional support for most things; especially true when he his opinion differed from my own.
  11. Demanding and unappreciative.
  12. When in need, he often asked me to do 10 things at once (e.g., when he asked me to make him lasagna, he simultaneously needed medication and bread and water and so on.  Immediately.
  13. He sent naked pictures of me to his cousin; after his initial apology, appeared aloof to my concerns and embarrassment about it.
  14. Unavailable when I needed him; e.g., when I fainted at the health center or got stranded on a mountain.
  15. Unsupportive when it counted; e.g., when I wanted to return my Vita for the money, he got angry, or when I was so depressed I felt incapable of taking care of Big Dog A and looked for a home for him, he got angry and dramatic.
  16. He was around for one of the most difficult times in my life but didn’t seem to understand it, sympathize with it, or demonstrate interest in learning how to be supportive through it; he assumed he knew it all already.
  17. Narrow world-view; he criticized me for not being open to his advice when he was completely unwilling to consider certain other points of view.
  18. He had a nasty habit of negging and disguising criticism as concern.
  19. Receptive to hear me out only on his terms.
  20. Stopped being responsive to my concerns.
  21. Incapable of taking care of himself; included health, hygiene, nutrition, cleanliness; depended entirely on his mother for these things.
  22. Misogynist in disguise.  Explicitly stated that “before me” he hated women and believed they exist to destroy the happiness of men; exploits them and denies it.
  23. Frequent failure to communicate in simple tasks; e.g., changes in plans or schedule
  24. Was never interested in my work or research; actively disparaged teaching and education; defended self by stating “but I’m not talking about you” which did not help.
  25. Failure to comprehend my core values or show any indication of interest in learning about them, with the exception of those that impacted him.
  26. Extraordinarily self-absorbed, all about himself, and not in a confident, sexy way.
  27. That whiny voice.  I just cringed thinking about it.
  28. I frequently felt like he was taking away more from my life than adding to it.
  29. I would not have gotten better if I stayed with him because it was all about him (and I let it get that way).
  30. I set dangerous precedents with him because I was emotionally handicapped and unable to stand my ground.
  31. It often felt as though he was very emotionally manipulative; also completely unwilling to consider this when it was brought up.  He asked for examples, and when I provided one, he criticized the example rather than considering its merit.
  32. When we met, he made a big deal out of his history of always paying for everything with girlfriends; I paid more than my fair share of things and it began to feel like he was keeping tabs on everything.  I felt less valued.
  33. I believe he instigated the fight when we broke up; I believe at some level, he wanted it to happen.
  34. Even when we were together, I often felt lonely.
  35. I felt that I gave him more encouragement, comfort, and acceptance than he gave me.
  36. It didn’t always feel like he had my best interests at heart.
  37. Our relationship was his first priority, only when it suited him.
  38. Stood me up on several occasions.
  39. Despite trying to balance reasonable expectations for him given his age, maturity, and experience, I still felt like I was selling myself short.
  40. I could apply this statement to him: “If you value intimacy and companionship, and they value their solitude, doing things their way, and no matter what they profess, they consistently do things that exclude you and make you feel anything but intimate or a companion, you are incompatible. The closer you get, the more they will move away. Even if they like a little intimacy, they only want it when they want it, which may be little.”
  41. Sometimes I felt like he only wanted to hang out to get sex.
  42. Lack of regard for my professional environment; shared things with others that I would have preferred kept quiet.
  43. Extremely judgmental and critical about my choices; e.g., bipolar, staying here rather than moving, etc.
  44. Some of our serious problems happened because he either wasn’t listening, didn’t ask, or selectively remembered information
  45. He complained CONSTANTLY; had a very negative outlook; ignorant of how emotionally draining it was
  46. Was completely aloof when I quit smoking.  I don’t event think he asked about it once.
  47. He once complained that camping is “dirty” (prissy); when we went camping, he brought only junk food (immature), and wanted to watch tv episodes on his tablet (missed the point of camping entirely).
  48. When I finally got a car, I wanted to drive around and he sat with his arms crossed wanting to go home; unenthusiastic about my success in getting a car; unenthusiastic about my success in a lot of respects.
  49. When I needed to talk about things (e.g., Houston we have a problem), I never got around to it because he wasn’t available, ready, or wanted to vent on his own first (emotionally draining; I had nothing left).
  50. His birthday experience.  I don’t even want to go there.  A complete and utter dick.
  51. I was honestly embarrassed when he would bring up stories from high school around my friends.
  52. I felt uncomfortable because I knew most of my friends and family didn’t really like him all that much, and I knew they were right.  I have never gotten the question “why are you with that guy?” more often.
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