prison sentencing
by lifeonaxis1
i am fucking bitter today. in fact, just call me oscar the grouch.
i had high hopes for my psychiatrist appointment. since the seroquel has been working, and since i am taking ~subtherapeutic doses of lithium (600 mg) and lamotrigine (100 mg), i thought i might have a shot at tapering off of them while remaining on the seroquel.
of course, in hindsight, my thinking was too simplistic. i was only considering the unique effects of each medication. whereas lithium made me not *as* depressed (but still flat), and i didn’t even really notice anything with the lamotrigine, seroquel was the drug with noticeable, measurable effects on my mood. i’ve felt like “myself” for the first time in 2 years. so of course, i concluded that i should be able to remove the other drugs while remaining on seroquel.
not so. my psychiatrist reminded me that there are possible interactive effects that i’m not considering. it’s possible that seroquel works well *in combination* with lamotrigine or lithium.
moreover, he recommended that i remain on treatment for at least 9-12 months after the onset of remission. NINE TO TWELVE months. fuck my mother fucking life.
why 9-12? well, for people with a *first* episode of depression, the probability of relapse increases substantially if treatment is not continued for at least 9 months (while in remission). that’s not even considering people who’ve had more than one episode of depression; for them the relapse rate is even higher.
so, my intellectual side is responding to these data and to an obligation to the “responsible” thing to do (i.e., stay on medication). everything else is up in flames. i am so angry, so disappointed, so frustrated, so defeated. these medications are not just medications. they are symbolic representations of my intense struggle with the bipolar diagnosis. i want to be DONE with them. i want to move ON with my life. and i want to be off medication so i can begin to truly explore whether i am bipolar or not.
except today, i learned that i will not be able to do this. in fact, i will not be able to do this for a very long time.
Mood Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified 
I hear you. I am in the same situation waiting to come off the antidepressants. I have skipped them a few times by accident and felt more like “my old self”. I am tempted to just stop taking them, but i fear a fall back into a depression too much.
Yeah…I can’t argue with the copious amount of data that says the likelihood of relapse is extremely high without sufficient time on the meds. I have also been tempted to just wean myself off of them, but I’m afraid that my suicidal thoughts will get even worse…or that I might actually go through with them.
Hi A. Patient. Read your first post/comments from May 2012, and loved it.
Well, dude I’m in the same boat–started going to counseling/psychiatry on my own initiative in January of 2012. In November of 2012 I began taking Lamictal/Lamotrigine. During the progression of being in/out of various counselors/one psychiatrist, I absolutely REFUSED medication, and made it clear to all parties involved–the counselor/psychiatrist/my parents/random bipolar ppl in my life that i reached out to–that I did NOT want to take medication if i was or wasn’t bipolar.
Started taking medication last month, and I relate to all your feelings…
Since January 2012 began taking action to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me:
—Checked myself into free counseling
—Tried my hardest to stop drinking alcohol (failed miserably a few times, but held out for close to 6 months) and smoking weed/other unknown drugs that I thought were weed (succesful since 1-12-12)
—Looked up a shit ton of stuff online: bipolar disorder, etc. etc. etc.
This led to the most insomnia I’ve had all my life: being up for 24 hours (or more) at a time like 12+ times since January 2012, “binge sleeping”, craziness.
Was told after some counseling by multiple counselors that it was likely I was bipolar II…have gone in/out of acceptance of that–I don’t feel like it’s a disabity whether I am or not…idk.
–Ran into AA after being interested/saw a ton of spiritual signs (I’m not down with any religion but do like to learn from all of them) that led me there after feeling suuuuuper suicidal one day at work on another 24-hour-awake day…went their, once again on my own self-will, on July 12. Sitting on a 6-pack right now deciding whether to take my meds (which don’t mix well apparently) and drink it or go to AA or Idk, doesn’t really matter. Kinda inspired to start writing again after reading the premise/seeing how you’ve done this blog.
Anyway, now I’m on 25mg Lamictal a day, and I know that’s NOWHERE close to where you’re at, but I do worry that I won’t be able to stop taking the pills, and that I’ll have to take more.
Anyway A. Patient,
Hope that you don’t kill yourself, and that you continue on your journey, whether once you’re off medication or on medication–if you are bipolar or not.
Looking forward to reading the rest of your blog. Peace.
Mitch
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1)- Some people that I looked up/look up to that I know took/take medication, with a basic link to their medication histories–you can do more reading yourself, but this is a start. Reading about their mental health histories long before/after I began taking medication always helped me.
–David Foster Wallace (author/journalist of books like Infitite Jest, Broom of the System, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, etc.):
—-Well, I had a link that I wanted to insert here but can’t find it–google “david foster wallace medication history”
–Adam Duritz (singer in Counting Crows/awesome writer):
—-lazy/gotta go…i guess research it but a lot is there, mostly in interviews where he talks about his mental health/medication history.
2)- Random AA/”Pill Addict Anonymous Fact:
–Elton John (recovering alcoholic/probably recovering addict) is Eminem’s Sponsor (Eminem is possible a recovering alcoholic, definitely a recovering addict). There’s a lotta sites to prove this, but here’s one.
——hahah once again lazy…but it’s true, see interviews with eminem
————
BTW my post/comment got outta hand/off topic…but I hope this helps you…
Thank you A. Patient.
Peace
Mitch
Mitch,
Thanks for your comment! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond; I was dealing with the end of semester shitshow, so I’ve been unavailable as of late.
I’m pleased to hear that my blog was useful to you. I plan to post more regularly in the coming year, as I continue to process everything. I’m also glad to hear that you are getting treatment to deal with the emotional fluctuations that are impacting your life.
For the record, I still drink and even occasionally participate in recreational drug use…while still on my medications. I do try to do a little research about contraindications before indulging, but it’s still risky. I happen to be okay with that. The only real noticeable difference is that my memory nearly completely lapses after a certain amount of alcohol, even if I’m not blacked out. I guess I’m okay with that too. I enjoy drinking too much to stop.
I like your method of dealing with the fact that you have to take medication. I also found relief in learning about successful individuals who were also diagnosed bipolar or something similar. 🙂
I’m on lamatrogine as well, along with escitalopram and bupropion. I’ve given over to the thought that I will be spending the rest of my life on these and other medications. I’m far from happy (about this, and in general), but for $35/month I can quiet the rages and give a father and husband back to my family.
I feel for you; I know how crazy your diagnosis makes you, and the dichotomy you feel about it. I just wonder if, maybe, it’s the medications themselves that will let you move on.
I’m still holding out for the possibility that I will one day be off all medications. I’d like to be able to get some closure on the bipolar bit, whether it turn out to be correct or not.