Mood Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified

diagnosed bipolar and pissed about it

Month: January, 2013

don’t disclose your mental disorder on a dating website

i almost forgot.

i went out on a date last night with a guy from okcupid.  he didn’t really look like his pictures, and he was short.  i have no romantic interest whatsoever, but he would be super cool as a friend.  but that is beside the point.

he was pretty much talking the whole time.  once he decided to tell me about all the “weirdos” who make profiles on okcupid.  i was apparently the first person he had met from the site.  i asked him to give an example and dude says the following:

“well, there was this one girl who wrote about how she is bipolar but she’s on medication so everything’s fine”

this was followed by a shock-and-awe look like “omg can you believe that?!”

i just smiled.

online dating assholes

There are funny aspects about online dating too.  Take this prize, for example:

Master of Douche

Saw your you tube BS. Here are the RED flags that I see regarding YOU. A. You say you want guys 29-35 on your you tube. Yet here you put 25-35?
You are this super smart professor/student, PhD, blah blah blah. Yet you are NOT even smart enough to figure this simple and LAME, website MAIL SETTINGS out.
HELLO, if you don’t want smokers? Then make your settings block smokers. If you don’t want married? Then set that up too. If you ONLY want guys aged this to that? Then make your mail settings, age range requirements for contact.
Shallow! It’s all about the pictures for you. Gee, did you ever think that most people are not photogenic and look completely different in person?
And the final RED flag regarding you? You are nearly 30yrs OLD and the longest relationship you have had was 1 year? Lack of commitment, ADHD, always looking to trade up. Or just a plain old B!TCH that no man can put up with for to long!

These are the things that are preventing you from “getting there” beyond a simple hookup relationship.



LMFAO how’s this instead:

“you want guys 29-35 on your you tube. Yet here you put 25-35?”
how about the possibility that checking details on my profiles doesn’t take up my entire life like it appears to take up yours.

“Yet you are NOT even smart enough to figure this simple and LAME, website MAIL SETTINGS out.
HELLO, if you don’t want smokers? Then make your settings block smokers. If you don’t want married? Then set that up too. If you ONLY want guys aged this to that? Then make your mail settings, age range requirements for contact.”
Again, clearly you are OCD about online dating.  Get a life.

“Shallow! It’s all about the pictures for you. Gee, did you ever think that most people are not photogenic and look completely different in person?”
You must be ugly then.

“And the final RED flag regarding you? You are nearly 30yrs OLD and the longest relationship you have had was 1 year? Lack of commitment, ADHD, always looking to trade up. Or just a plain old B!TCH that no man can put up with for to long!”
It was nearly two years, and I’ve had several 1 yr relationships.  You must be from some bodunk town where you probably married at 17 and got divorced 3 years later.  After two kids.

You are made of class.  I hope you feel better about yourself criticizing people like this.  Clearly you need to bolster your self-esteem somehow.


first world problems


i can’t believe it.  i’m seriously sitting here dumbfounded because i’ve never been in this situation before.  it’s so frustrating that i just want to shout or cry.  i also feel completely ridiculous.  here’s why.

so, i wrote about the guy who never called last time.  i am alternating days where on some i am totally okay with it, and on others i am bugging. the. fuck. out.  today is one of the latter.

i mean, i’m doing this to myself.  i keep looking him up on the other dating websites i’m on and every single fucking time i conclude that we are completely fucking compatible and should be dating NOW.  or at least getting to know each other.  texting even?  fuck…

our chemistry/personality/relationship needs quizzes all show the same outcomes.  his descriptions and style are right up my alley.  i just can’t fucking believe that i found someone so compatible but who DIDN’T FEEL THE SAME WAY.

i might sound like an ass, but THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.  i am just unable to comprehend this situation.  acceptance is NOT happening.  i want to bang my head against a wall.

i try not to spend too much time dissecting my behavior.  he was all into me, it seemed, and then… silence.  what did i miss?  was it something i said?  did i have food in my teeth?  what part of me isn’t good enough for you, mister?  what turned you off?  what changed your mind?  why didn’t you give me a chance?


the sting of rejection – or lithium withdrawal

i have successfully compelled psychiatrist numero tres to let me eliminate lithium from my daily regimen.  i went down to 300 mg in december-ish and stopped taking that this past tuesday.

i have noticed what appears to be a downswing in my mood corresponding with these time periods.  in december, i kept an eye on it but also kept in mind that i was dealing with far too much stress and work to distinguish between depressive-symptoms-due-to-work versus depressive-symptoms-due-to-less-lithium.  regardless of what the case may have been, my mood bounced back in full force once winter session started and i had a moderate breather.

now i am also experiencing depressive symptoms, and since the lithium is expected to be out of my system completely by saturday, its depleted levels may be taking a toll.  alternatively, my mood may be the combination of a very long, very productive, but very busy week, plus the sting of rejection from the aforementioned “soul mate” a few posts ago.

i have to admit, i was pretty excited at the prospect of dating this person.  we seemed to have a lot in common (enough to sustain several hours long conversations, anyway), i thought he was attractive, smart, etc.  things seemed to be going well until i dropped him off last thursday and i had this sinking feeling that he wouldn’t be asking me out again.

backing up.  the week we started talking, we spent two hours texting, followed by two and a half hours on the phone.  that was followed up by intermittent texting during the week.  saturday rolled around and i went out with some friends.  i admit, the second place we went was influenced by an eensy weensie suspicion that eharmony-guy might show up there.  incidentally, i was right.

i was playing air hockey and i saw him come in the door out of the corner of my eye.  i didn’t dare look directly, but i just knew it was him.  my adrenaline soared.  i played it cool for a while, but when i walked by him i noticed he was kind of staring at me so i smiled and kept going.  under no circumstances was i going to approach him; that’s against “the rules”.

this happened several times.  when i was on the dance floor with my friends, i noticed him off to the side, looking at me.  he was “on his phone” but who the hell talks on their phone next to the dance floor?  yeah right.

he finally came and stood right in front of my friends and i, and took a couple of drags off of his electronic cigarette. once that happened i was 100% sure it was him.  he was just standing there alone but i still wasn’t about to go up to him (besides the rules, i was so unbelievably giddy that i would have made an ass out of myself anyway).  his friend came out of no where and whisked him out of the bar.

my friends suggested the next bar, so i don’t have to take responsibility for the fact that he was also there, too.  again, when i looked at him, he was kind of staring at me so i smiled and kept going.  sadly, he never approached me in person.

but…around 1am he texted “was that you?” and we had a little back-and-forth about why one didn’t approach the other.  i was drunk and i probably texted too much, but it didn’t stop him from calling me the next day.  we got on the phone for another whole hour, after which he interrupted me to ask if i was hungry and wanted to go to lunch.

forgetting any “rules” ever existed in the history of mankind, i agreed to go on a spontaneous lunch date.  it went really well.  i knew he was still interested because he texted me later that night “about a video game” we both played.  we then moved on to e-cigarettes, and he called me to give me the deets on how to get one (they are quite good!).  he also offered to go with me after he got off work to get the liquid you put in the e-cigarette.

monday, he added me to facebook.  i’m not even going to go in to the degree of facebook stalking i did, but let me just say it was shameful.  i did, however, discover that eharmony-guy is a poet, and writes some really racy stuff.  the first time i read one of his poems, i literally froze in space for like 20 minutes, followed by an hour of pacing and trying to get myself back to work.  i failed, and said poem became my fantasy du jour for a few days.

we got together on thursday to head to the e-cig shop.  it was fine, although i noticed he was a bit distant-ish.  i was extremely nervous though, and i think it showed.  i left most of the direction of the conversation to him and he asked how my day was twice, showed me around the shop, but really the conversation was pretty minimal.  i dropped him off, thanked him for coming with me, and he told me to let him know if i had any questions about the e-cig and associated accoutrements.

since then: radio silence.  i’ve had to keep myself jam-packed and still i’ve felt like pulling my hair out, hoping he’d ask me out this weekend.  i was good and followed the (goddamn) rules.  by yesterday i had begun to accept the possibility that “he’s just not that into me” when my friend and fellow rules conspirator confessed she’d broken down and texted her guy.

it never fails…whenever a comrade-in-crime gives in a little, all of my resolve goes out the window too.  i gave in and “liked” his profile picture, which was taken the night we “met” but didn’t actually meet.  in fairness, i exploited the fact that he had recently posted a status update so it could appear as if “i saw it for the first time” on my newsfeed.

speculation abounds as to why i’ve been rejected.  i’ve got a couple of reasonable hypotheses, all while bearing in mind that i really have no answer at all, nor will i ever.  some possibilities include that i was way too nervous to be sexually attractive.  i have a pretty strong sexual presence, but if i’m nervous, forget it.  it also could have been something about my facebook page. in particular, i suspect it may have been the old album of pictures of my ex and his family.  he did mention the “short” lapse between the end of that relationship and signing on to a serious dating website the first time we talked.

whatever it was, it really doesn’t matter because the outcome is the same.  i’m processing rejection from a dating prospect for the first time in a long time.  it’s disappointing and frustrating and aggravating and i keep wanting to scream, hello, i’m awesome and we should go on a freaking date!  (and then make out while you read your poetry to me)

it turns out that anything resembling psychotic behavior (such as that which i’ve already displayed here) is definitely against the rules, so my inclinations are definitely out of the picture.  i’ve coped so far by filling my days to the brim, getting to the gym every day, talking to friends, family, and getting more work done than i have in months, but i found myself sitting here this friday evening just feeling kind of down despite the massively successful week i’ve had otherwise.

(although to be fair, it has waned a bit since i’ve gotten this off my chest)

so thank you bipolar-blog-diary-dealie.  if it weren’t for you, i’d be an awfully scary human being.



today’s topic in al-anon was feeling a sense of over-responsibility for others.  at first, i was not interested in the topic because of the direction the speaker took it.  but as i thought about it more and more, i fell into a deep musing about my relationship with that concept.

one of the most difficult things for me to understand is a line in the serenity prayer we say at the end of meetings.  it goes like this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I don’t have a firm grasp on the difference.  when action on my part is warranted.  how to distinguish between the times for acceptance and the times for action.

i thought of my family, and fell in to a deep state of contemplation.  i heard some of the things others were saying, but i fell farther and farther way, processing my thoughts and feelings.

it wasn’t hard to find something to think about.  hell, it was just the holidays, and i saw my family in full form.

i have not been home in a year, because i was in the middle of a bone-crushing depression.  they didn’t visit me during this time; it’s just as well.  i wouldn’t have wanted to see them anyway.  i barely told them what was going on, and when i did, it wasn’t taken seriously.

so when i arrived for a 6-day visit, i was looking forward to some quality time.  i shouldn’t have had this expectation.  both my mother and sister were either completely shit-faced or hung over any time that i saw them.  my mother reserved all of one day to see me.  starting at 4pm in the afternoon, by the way, before she left to head back home with her boyfriend.  look, i already know that i will always take a back seat to a man when it comes to my mother.  that’s just how she is.  i’m just glad she finally picked one that was worth knowing.  i like him a lot.  he’s completely enamored with her and expresses how amazed he is by her all the time.  i try to be as polite as possible.  it’s great practice for my poker face.

the first thing my aunt said to me when she saw me was, “are you pregnant?” and as much as i hate to say it, it completely threw me for a loop.  i know i’ve gained enough weight for it to be noticeable, but i don’t think i look pregnant for god’s sake.

the first thing my grandmother said was, “if you think i’m happy to see you, think again”.  she was in a bad mood as a result of other family members’ behavior, and we were able to resolve it quite quickly.  it’s always that way with her, but it doesn’t mean that what she said didn’t hurt.

everyone was caught up in their own shit.  my sister, too.  when she met up with my mom, her boyfriend, and me for dinner, she pulled me away to tell me how she’d taken acid at 1am that morning.  over the course of the few times i hung out with her, i learned that she is dating a coke dealer.  she has no job and doesn’t want to talk about school.  i honestly don’t even think she has the intention of getting a job any time soon.  we met at a bar, of course, and she lost her purse because she left it at a table.  it had her phone, wallet, keys, gift card from my mom, etc.  of course, this was horrible for her, but my aunt took care of helping her to fix the situation.  only to go out with her again, and to see her leaving her purse around, where ever.  when i mentioned it, she didn’t even seem to care.

my sister lives with my grandma right now.  i blogged about this sometime in the summer because i had plans to move in with my grandma before my sister swooped in and took the room.  now, the whole family was trying to be supportive at that time because she was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt or threat or whatever.  mind you, i completely lost my mind when this happened.  i had a complete melt down.  so, it wasn’t especially pleasing when she told me that she had been doing cocaine every day for three weeks, right before the hospitalization.  when i heard that, i felt so many emotions.  anger. resentment. sadness.  it was as if she did not know, nor care to know, how her actions affected others.

as i said, she’s living with my grandma.  but she’s out every night.  getting high or drinking or whatever.  she is not available to help my grandma most of the time, and my grandma doesn’t understand my sister’s behavior, or why she’s not looking for a job or going to school.  i try to be compassionate, because i know that this the first time in her life that no one is telling her what to do or who to be, and that she was in physically and emotionally abusive relationships for 10 years.  i can’t imagine what that is like.

a couple days after i left, my grandma got sick.  the members of my family all have complex relationships with food.  my sister, for instance, admitted that she had been bulimic for years.  she might still be, but she is too gone right now to address it.  my aunt is extremely obese.  my mother is extremely skinny and compulsively exercises and doesn’t eat much.  my grandmother’s poison is laxatives.  she takes them every single day.

as it turns out, the day everyone left, she took 7 different laxatives.  over the next two days, she was very sick.  no one was around though, because my sister “had plans”.  my aunt had to fly back down earlier than planned to take care of her.  just a couple of days ago, my grandmother was admitted to the hospital.  again, my sister was mostly unavailable, not to feed or walk the dog or to sit with my grandma in the hospital.

it was after her hospitalization and my complete breakdown that i learned i could not take responsibility for her.  i had done so, up that point.  overly so.  i thought, if i had been a better sister, maybe she wouldn’t have gotten, or stayed, in a relationship with someone who beat her up.  who, by the way, she is now talking to again.  when she was hospitalized, i believed i wasn’t there enough, that i had failed her.  because i completely broke down, and because i got a stern talking to by my aunt, i had to face the fact that i needed to take care of myself, rather than take care of her.  i’ve been processing the letting-go ever since.

i haven’t let go entirely though.  when my aunt and my grandmother are angry or confused or frustrated with her living there with no goals or action, i remind them that this is the first time she’s ever had to decide something for herself and that it’s probably scary.  that she thinks that she has to come up with the ultimate answer for what to do, rather than taking small steps toward progress.  i do this because my family, when scorned, goes about things completely the wrong way.  take, for example, my aunt, who confronted my sister about this and got so caught up in her anger toward *my mother* (and taking it out on my sister) that she said horrific things and even threw a glass of water on her.

so i’ve told them to give her the space to sort it out, and i’ve told them to set boundaries and expectations that work for them so it doesn’t end up blowing up in anyone’s face.  i’ve thought that i was mostly staying out of it but encouraging my family to be better at being a family.  but now i’ve seen my sister and i’ve seen what she’s doing.  and i don’t anticipate it stopping any time soon, especially since my grandma gave us a good amount of money for christmas.  so i watch this unfold, and sometimes i wait for the phone call that she’s pregnant or was in a car accident or some other horrible thing.  and there’s not a goddamn thing i can do about it.

some have told me to be the “model” for her, to show that i am happy and healthy and that she can succeed.  what i learned on my trip is that she feels horrible about my success because it highlights her failure.  she did not like it when her male friends talked to me.  she was put off when school was mentioned.  she sounded disappointed when she told a friend i was getting my phd.  so now i’m in a position where i’m doing well with my life, and it only reminds her of her failures, feeding into her already negative self image, fueling her inability to act because she is so afraid that doing anything will be the wrong decision.

my family is made of entropy.  that’s what’s been done my entire life.  in observing it again, i was constantly reminded of one of the bill of rights we discuss in al anon… i don’t have it exactly, but it is something like “i have the right not to participate in the crazymaking of my family”… i heard it echoing again and again as i watched and mourned the self-destruction that consumes my family, and sometimes, of me.

it’s painfully difficult to realize and to accept that all of that hurt and pain they experience is one of the things i cannot change.  that i only can change myself, and that they call that “courage” instead of “abandoning my family”.  that “wisdom” means separating myself instead of getting down in the ditch and trying to help them out.

some people say we’re all so connected to one another, but when i process these feelings and experiences, it just leaves me feeling so alone.  because my experience is all about my own experience, not what others are doing.  that “helping” sometimes means leaving, or distancing, or “focusing on myself”.  and then i just feel stupid because i don’t understand what connection looks like or how to do it “the right way”.  i try, and keep getting brought back to myself and what i’m doing and how i’m interpreting something.

that’s all i’ve got for now.

the rumor mill

i keep saying to myself, it’s just one more opportunity to be awesome.

i actually have a lot to process on here today, but this issue takes emotional precedence because, well, i just found out about it.

there is a young man who loves to stir the pot.  unfortunately, i have been a target of his for a long time.  he moved to another state for a job, and i thought the time and distance might permit us to have a cordial relationship.

as it turns out, i was wrong.

a bit of background.  actually it’s not a bit, it’s a lot of stuff and there’s no minimizing it.

when i moved to this city for graduate school, it was the scariest thing i’d ever done.  leaving friends, family, and everything i knew turned out to be even more difficult than i anticipated.  before leaving, i thought it would be an opportunity for me to turn a new leaf, to become a new person, to grow and mature…well, i have but it has been a harrowing experience.

unfortunately, rather than finding a different niche, i fell right into one that matched my home niche in many respects.  i got involved with someone who was not good for me, but who felt familiar.  i think in large part, because i could never care about this person (the aforementioned “satan spawn”) the way he cared about me, it exacerbated his insecurities, leading him to act in absolutely horrific, unforgivable ways.  his behavior dismantled me and left me such an anxious wreck that, as others have put it, ‘it was difficult even to watch me walk’.

just as a way to process this a bit more deeply, i want to describe some of my memories:

  • on several occasions when i wanted to leave his house and go home, something bad would happen.  once, he started shouting loud enough for his roommate to hear, “why are you doing this to me?!”.  on at least two occasions, he would get into or remain in my car…for HOURS…when i wanted to drop him off and go home.  he refused to get out because he either wanted me to come in, or decided he was coming with me.  when asking or telling nicely failed, and i lost my cool and yelled at him to get out of my fucking car, he would give me this long stare that said, “look at you, look what a horrible person you are for yelling at me like that”.
  • we were speaking on the phone once, and he said he wanted to come over.  i said no, it’s late, i don’t want you to come over.  he just hung up on me and didn’t answer any of my calls or texts.  he showed up at my door and i told him to go home.  when i closed the door, he started SCREAMING at me through the door, pounding on the screen, in my very quiet, very nice apartment complex.  he continued to do this until i got on the phone with the police.  when i opened the door after he’d run away, there was a big hole in my screen.  which was made out of metal, by the way, not that flimsy mesh.
  • he picked me up after i had been drinking once and took me to his place.  i was ready to pass out, so i was lying on his bed.  he climbed on top of me and tried to have sex.  i didn’t respond, and pretended to be asleep.  he continued to take my pants off and keep going, and then said “wow, you’re really out aren’t you”.  he got up off of me, and i heard shuffling around the room.  then silence.  i opened my eyes, and he was standing there, with a camera, taking pictures of me.  i rushed up toward him, hit him in the face, and tried to get the camera.  we wrestled for it, he hurt me in the process, but i got the camera and ran out of the house with no pants on screaming.  a jogger was going by, who stopped, and he came out of the house saying i asked him to take the pictures.
  • when things were pretty much in the dust, and it was ending, we weren’t together at the time, but we were still talking.  i met someone new, and told him that i was moving on and that i was going to date someone else.  he came to my house with a letter and read it aloud.  he indicated that i needed his permission to go on a date with someone else.  he stated that if i go on that date, he will hate me, and more than that, that he would become my enemy.  when i asked for the letter, he refused to give it to me.  the next day, he showed up with a different letter that said how much he loved me.  he gave me that one.

so, satan spawn indeed.  this other guy, the one i started talking about, was another student in my lab.  he and satan spawn were friends.  when all of this was going on, he was there, stirring the pot to make it worse.  he spread rumors, and gossiped at every chance.  he told satan spawn i said he tried to rape me, among other things.

when he left for his new job, i breathed a sigh of relief because it meant his antagonizing would stop and i could move on without that in my life.  i have barely had contact with him, and my intention was to have a polite acquaintanceship with him, nothing more.

well, he came to town over the holidays.  i didn’t see him because i don’t like him as a person and i didn’t want to get involved in any drama that might possibly occur.  as it turns out, i didn’t even need to be there.  he was able to come up with something all on his own.

after today’s al-anon meeting, i was sitting with a close friend talking about life, updating each other and so on.  she said she needed to talk to me about a few things.  apparently, while in town, this guy told her that i was really drunk and trying to sleep with one of [that group’s] friends.  yep, i was out there slutting it up, getting shitfaced, and acting a fool.

when i heard this, disappointment draped over me.  i felt the potential for more drama, more stress, more anxiety.  between him and satan spawn, that period of my life completely destroyed me.  i explored possible explanations for this new story.  i knew that if he had heard it from anyone, it would have been satan spawn.  satan spawn is our only connection.  i recalled going out a few times in december.  i did indeed drink, but i didn’t act out of place.  although i’ve had several offers to engage with male callers, i haven’t taken anybody up on it.  i was attracted to one guy, but that barely got off the ground before it was over.  so this story…that i was chasing some guy to sleep with him, that i was slutting it up and trying to get laid while being really shit-faced drunk…doesn’t have a lot of merit to it.  so why…WHY is this happening?

this kid has invited me to his wedding.  i had planned to go to be polite and not burn any bridges.  besides, i’d enjoy knowing that he is making a mistake with this girl who he never even seemed that into, but who wants kids within two years.  apparently, his friends concur with my assessment too, so that made the possibility even more amusing.

now, i don’t know if i will go.  i also am not yet sure what to do with satan spawn.  we have developed a “friendship”…although with different agendas.  his agenda is to show me how different he is and how much he has grown, while he periodically tells me how important i am to him and our relationship was to him.  mine?  well you know the old saying, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

i’ve also mulled over the idea that satan spawn’s on-again-off-again, open relationship significant whatever she is might have something to do with this.  although i don’t fully trust anything satan spawn says, he has told me that she is completely in love with him (of course) and that he doesn’t feel the same way.  there may be something to this.  at least a few times, she has brought up the fact that “he still has feelings for me” or that “he is still in love with me”.  she may feel threatened.

ultimately, this is about my behavior.  i can’t control all interpretations of it, clearly, and it seems the rumor mill will survive no matter what.  but i can either fuel the fire, or not.  i clearly let my guard down in even drinking with satan spawn and his woman.  this is unfortunate because i often hang out with that group and we have a good time going out.  i thought i was behaving honorably, to be honest, considering the number of proposals i’ve gotten and refused.

it’s so disappointing to have come so far out of that situation to see it rear its ugly head again.  but then it occurred to me that i am not the same person i was before.  i am happy and i am stronger.  i do not have to react to this situation and i can focus on letting it go in one ear and out the other.  i can become better at not feeding into this situation.  it doesn’t have to hurt me and i can see it for what it is, and assess whether and how i am contributing to it.

that realization made me feel far better and far more proud of my growth.  so while it’s difficult and disappointing, part of me is also glad for the opportunity to see the different person i have become.  as hard as it is, we learn who we are through challenges, what we are made of when things go bad.

i’m ready to see who i’ve become, and where i still have to go.

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