are we there yet?

i want to post an update about my lithium journey.  the trouble is, i find myself unsure about what could be due to lithium, and what could be due to…other things.

there are some things i am more confident about, like the metallic aftertaste in my mouth that seems to be getting sharper by the day.  for example, last night i had cookies and milk.  i never mind if the cookies break off into the milk because it just means more tasty goodness at the end.  after i savored my last cookie for that session i went to drink the rest of the milk and get to my secret pot of gold at the bottom of my cup, but i couldn’t even get past a sip.  there’s not really an easy way to describe what milk and metal taste like together, but it is NOT. GOOD.  I’m shuddering just thinking about it.

my moodscope is looking pretty optimistic too, relatively speaking.  my new high score is 45%.  still on the more negative side of things but compared to 7%, let me tell you: the weather is great up here.  it seems that the lithium is definitely doing its part for my depression, although i am curious how much of that can be attributed to the lithium + prozac combination.

if i have to be completely honest though, i would admit that i think i am a little happier than “normal”.  i mean, it is a relief to not feel abysmal and it’s possible that the stark contrast from just a few days ago accounts for this observation.  but i have a sneaking suspicion that i might be experiencing a little more hypomania and that i find myself not wanting to tell my psychiatrist about it (lest she change anything) lends a bit more support to that hypothesis.

we’ll table the fact that this physiological and behavioral response to lithium indicates a correct bipolar II diagnosis, for now.  but just to describe the experience: my sense of hearing is much more sensitive, so i have to turn down the volume of my phone or videos.  i find myself feeling a little high, a little giddy.  perhaps even a bit devious and deviant.  kind of like i’ve just had my first couple greyhounds (vodka + grapefruit) and the night is starting to take shape.  i am impatient and distractible, and even a little irritable.  laughter comes more easily.  i can conclude that this isn’t “normal”–not other people normal, anyway–because this is how i felt before i was depressed.  i notice that my writing and thinking is a bit more erratic and it’s harder for me to focus on creating a structure for this blog entry.  i really, really want to go on an adventure.

thank goodness i have video games to entertain me so i don’t go off and do something rash.

as for the “other things”…yesterday i felt quite stressed for a reason i will explain momentarily, but the result was a very turbulent sleep and what felt like psychological warfare on my dreams.  i had a long series of dreams about conflicts and problems and people from my past.  but one dream was so disturbing that i don’t even want to write about it.  i don’t want any cues as to what it was about, and the sooner i forget about it, the better.  i’ve had some pretty horrifying dreams in my day, but this one definitely hit the top 10.  i woke up sweating, stressed, anxious, and ready to cry.

fortunately i’ve been able to turn my day around due to some really uncharacteristic, but lovely weather for this time of year.  i spent a lot of time outside with the dogs, i watched a movie i loved, i felt inspired, i talked to a friend on the phone and i painted my nails green.

but the source of stress is still there, lying in waiting.  gnawing at me.  stealing this shining moment of release from darkness.

you may have guessed it by now.  XBF has made contact.  yesterday he sent a peculiar email.  it was peculiar in the sense that it communicated the opposite of what our last conversation seemed to, and he titled it Missing You.  he expressed his love for me and that he missed me.  he made no mention of our previous conversation or of his not one but now two 180-degree flips in behavior, but instead sent me a link to make me laugh like he had been there for me this whole time.

and I’M the bipolar one here?

when i told him i was confused and asked for an update since his attitude seemed to have changed quite a bit since the last time we talked, he said we could meet in person when i’m free.

ha!  no way jose.  i’m finally getting a break from mind boggling depression.  i’m not so stressed out that i feel close to some kind of  psychotic break.  there is no way i am walking into a situation where i can be potentially blindsided again, without warning.

so i told him i felt uncomfortable with that and asked to talk by email first so at least i have a chance of managing my emotions.

he hasn’t responded.  of course.  he clearly didn’t read the freaking book.

i have mixed feelings about all of this.  i love him but i am just tired of it.  if i take an inventory of the stress he has *added* to my life, it is not trivial.  and with how he handled even recent events, despite my explicit request to minimize stressful events, i don’t feel comfortable trusting him with my peace of mind.  it makes me sad, really sad.  and pretty pissed off and annoyed too but i think that may be my irritability and impatience talking.

hmm…

and if my hypomanic state is guiding my behavior, then should i really be talking to him anyway?

ultimately, i am just really shitty at making decisions when it comes to relationships.  that whole setting boundaries lesson has been lost on me for years and i struggle with it daily.  i’ve gotten better, but in general i can never tell when enough is enough.  i really mean i can’t tell.  i can’t SEE it.  so i usually err on the side of caution and try to work through things, so hopefully i’m not cutting people out prematurely like SOME people in my family (:cough: my mother :cough:).

i guess in some twisted way this diagnosis can be a blessing…i am trying to stabilize (sort of) so the clear cut off point is whether something adds too much stress or not.  if it does, it’s removed.  this way, i don’t have to include my heart in the decision-making process.  and let me tell you, that makes a world of difference.

a pig in lipstick is still a pig

the first day after sleep deprivation has its advantages.  for one, everything takes on kind of a cloudy sensation.  senses are dulled (hallelujah!), and sleep could come easily which is especially useful when your life has decided to audition for Barnum & Bailey’s.  because the mind is cloudy, a lot of the BS is semi-sensored and thoughts are unable to reach breakneck speed.  your body is too tired to get overwhelmed easily.  on the other hand, you’re also too tired to process through problems fully or to be active so the range of benefits is definitely limited.

it’s interesting, the effect sleep has on moods.  i’ve been recording my moods on a program on my phone for nearly a week now, and i just started a new program that i can do online.  this way, when i see my psychiatrist or another mental health professional, possibly for a second opinion or to get some bloody therapy (does it come in an IV?), I can bring data with me.  my phone data have shown huge changes day to day.  it will be interesting to see how lithium changes the pattern.  my online program showed a substantial decrease in mood since yesterday.  i thought 18% was pretty bad, but today it dropped to 7%.  I hope this is my all time low…if this is 7% (and it’s pretty fucking miserable) i’d hate to say even 1 or 2% lower.  What happens at 1%??

okay, i’m freaking myself out.

one thing sleep deprivation is certainly *not* good for is optimism.  in fact, if i had to name the arch enemy of optimism, i might say that sleep deprivation is a pretty solid candidate.  in the deep shadow cast by a lack of sleep, only pessimism festers.  unless, of course, you’re bipolar and not getting sleep means you’re coming up with the cure for cancer instead.

and that’s unless, of course, your (hypo)mania is dysphoric, like mine.  in that case my original point still stands.

so, possible interpretations of last night’s fight with XBF are pretty narrow in scope.  i am convinced that XBF changed his mind about the whole “i want to spend my life with you” and “i don’t care if you have bipolar disorder” and the extra “few days” he wanted to “think” about things was just delaying the inevitable.  that when he said “i don’t know if i’m good for you right now” (because i stress you out and stress is bad for your ‘condition’) sounds like a weak attempt to paint an old picture with a new brush.  the one we’ve all heard (or said) before: it’s not you, it’s me.

that he can’t handle the pressure of stressing me out.  as if it was any easier to handle his brain damage or heart condition that could lead to sudden death, conditions which, under sufficient stress, have resulted to his hospitalization (and don’t think he didn’t blame me for that).  we have been on at least two overnights in the hospital in the year we’ve known each other.  i have not complained once about it and i have rearranged my schedule to be there in support.  when i couldn’t be there (but i had offered!) because he was getting surgery in iowa, i had cookies delivered to his house.  they came in a bunch of flavors and some were even shaped and decorated to look like pills or nurses hats.

even “i love you” had a newly platonic ring to it.  like, i “care” about you or, my favorite, “i love you but i’m not IN love with you”.

and then there’s the whole enabling spiel.  the one he said was based on conversation with “friends”.  I actually had to google search “enabling bipolar” in order to understand what he could have possibly meant, this was so beyond me.  I found this link, which talks about setting boundaries and not tolerating abuse.  I get that idea.

i just don’t see how on earth it relates to me.  i mean, i just started lithium to stabilize my mood because prozac is clearly not doing the trick.  even if i don’t have bipolar 2, lithium is used to treat ssri-resistant depression, based on what i’m reading.  so it’s a win-win…not like i’m going off my meds or refusing them.  i have an appointment with a therapist in about 2 weeks to get a second opinion about my diagnosis.  this woman specializes in bipolar and mood disorders, so even if she concludes i do not have bipolar 2 i will continue seeing her to deal with this depression.  which at this point is absolutely untolerable and feels endless (…7% on my mood scale, remember).

so WHAT, exactly, is he concerned about “enabling”?

i had to ask when he said it because i was too confused even to be angry.  the example he gave has taken a while to sink in, implications and all, but it sure is illustrative.  “like,” he said, “when you texted me stressed out in the middle of the night”

yes, folks.  i did.  around 2am last saturday i told him i was freaked out and wanted to reach out to someone via text.  i was feeling very uncomfortable and scared, and my mood had been getting worse and worse.  depression PLUS hypomania left me really, really pissed off all the time and it was all in all a confusing, unpleasant, lonely experience.  just the night before i had declined an invitation from him to the movies because i didn’t feel i had gotten enough sleep and i didn’t want to have unnecessary problems due to increased emotionality.  so, when i reached out for help, by text, on a saturday, i didn’t think it would be a problem.  in fact, i apparently had the gall to think he would be pleased that i was asking for help.  since, you know, his latest problem seemed to be that i don’t trust him enough.

except somehow, it was.  i don’t know how.  i can’t explain it.  it doesn’t even fit the context of our relationship.  i cannot count the number of times he called or texted me in the middle of the night.  to pick him up.  to bring medicine.  because he was stressed.  how many sleepless nights i had, trying to treat a migraine, or nausea, or dizziness.  our relationship, largely, has revolved around his health.

and that was a point i impressed upon him recently because it was undermining so many other aspects of our relationship.  i encouraged him, several times, to get proper treatment for his health conditions, to be more active and more proactive about his health, to eat healthy, and so on.  and he has made major changes in the last couple of weeks.  working out regularly, eating healthy, going to doctors to get treated for stomach problems or what have you.  and he feels better and he is happy.

i am trying to do the same thing. i have a problem, there is no question. i have been balancing work and school and his stress and my stress for months.  i changed medications–to quit smoking or reduce anxiety that affected us–so many times it made me more ill.  i am seeing doctors and doing research and trying to get the best treatment so this crazy train can just stop and i can get the heck off.

it’s certainly not that i’m not trying to get help.

so what’s with the need for boundaries all of a sudden?  what’s with casting my plea for help as something that could be enabled?  it’s like he doesn’t accept that i am ill, that i might have bipolar disorder.  which is astounding, because he has personally experienced when people judge the validity of your health issues and how frustrating it can be especially if you don’t “look” sick.

apparently there is only enough room for one sick person in this relationship.  and it ain’t me.