reflections

by lifeonaxis1

i have been more productive today than i have in a long time.  i woke up terrified and anxious due to nightmares, but in the interest of what my psychiatrist calls “self-soothing” i tried distracting myself with other activities.  it wasn’t hard, especially after i got an email from my landlord saying she’ll be by around 6.  6 when?  6 today?  6 Wednesday like she said?  i wrote back but received no response, so i canceled my appointments and put myself to work cleaning my house.  i barely scratched the surface but at least its manageable now.

i’m about to head over to the bank to get grilled by the employees because my confounded debit card did NOT come in the mail yet, and with my landlord breathing down my neck i’m going to see if i can withdraw funds anyway.  i’m feeling especially ambitious at the moment because i’m thinking a stop by the grocery store might be in the cards if i can keep this motivation up.

in any case, no time to blog about unfortunate events yet, so i thought i’d post some reflections i wrote in march.  they’re letters to myself and to XBF, and i’ll split them up into different posts.  you can see my paint is beginning to chip.

**NOTE: WordPress didn’t publish this for some reason so the reflections letters are out of order.  I included the date they were written in each post though.

March 13, 2012

Tuesday 1:23 am

I am tired of feeling like a piece of shit.  I feel like a piece of shit often these days, in response to your overwhelming hurt over something I’ve done.  But when I take a step back and evaluate myself, I do not actually think I am a piece of shit at all.  I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come.  I do not mean to say that I am done growing or that I have not made mistakes; for sure I have plenty of growth left to accomplish.  But honestly, I am not the bad person that I feel you are making me out to be.

I appreciate that you have brought to my attention some of the negative consequences of my risk-taking behaviors.  In many cases, I had not recognized the consequences at all, and they were only apparent to me when you expressed concern about them.

At the same time, I am extremely uncomfortable with how much pressure you put on me to not do certain things.  I do not like the fact that if something I do stressed you out too much that you end up in the hospital.  I do not like that said behavior is shared with doctors and nurses at the hospital – where colleagues in my department intern.  I do not like that you are amused when I get stressed about your parents knowing certain things about me, and that you describe me in unfavorable ways.  I do not like that some of your friends hate my guts because you only talk to them when we’re fighting, and I especially don’t like that they would like to threaten me if they had the chance.

I am also finding myself increasingly angry that you pressure me about smoking/drinking/drugs when I see you wanting to get high, or taking a bunch of vicodin (even if you have TBI and a prescription), or tripping on Delsym.  It is starting to feel like you are a total hypocrite, accepting behaviors that are okay for you, and shitting on behaviors that aren’t.  Ultimately, how I choose to live is my choice and I am starting to hate that you judge me so much for my choices.  Do I judge and criticize you for being so self-absorbed that your risky behavior led to traumatic brain injury? Or that your obsession with working out brought about your heart problems?  Or that your risky driving behavior could have easily killed someone?  And that is just the stuff that I know about.

All day I felt shitty and depressed because you got upset about an event that happened last November.  Moreover, while I agree that it is never fun to hear that someone kissed the person you are dating, it should mean something that I got out of the situation.  Your narrow worldview and lack of experience leads you to think that this is completely unacceptable and a deal breaker.  Let’s pause for a second.  I got into two situations where someone tried to kiss me.  They may have landed a smooch but I got out of it, either by expressing my disinterest or letting the person know that I was seeing someone.  I would just like to say that LIFE FUCKING HAPPENS SOMETIMES.  Sometimes people don’t give you warning or you get yourself into a pickle that you find you need to get out of, immediately.  It happens.  Let’s also not forget that these events happened smack dab in the middle of my major depression experience, and that in both cases, I was extremely intoxicated.  Perhaps most importantly, I did not consider our “relationship” to be serious until January.  We agreed to be exclusive, and I accept that letting someone else kiss me betrays that agreement.  But given the brevity of the situation, and that I got out of it quickly, it didn’t even register on the radar when you asked me about cheating or kissing someone else in the past 6 months.  I have to say, if you decide that this is a “deal breaker” I am pretty sure I will conclude with “good riddance”.  Not because I don’t love you or because I don’t want to be with you.  I do on both counts.  But for fuck’s sake, just shortly over a month before the event in question you used my vagina for show and tell with your cousin.  My. Vagina.  VAGINA!!!  And you are concerned that someone tried to lay a smooch on me?  And I got out of it?  You just basically just treated my VAJAYJAY like public property, and now you’re all huffy because someone smooched me?  Are ya fucking kidding?

I don’t like that you are not talking to me, and ignoring me for something SO TRIVIAL AND LAME.  You get upset with me for leaving conflicts for FIVE MINUTES so I can take a breather and regroup.  You basically fall off for a day or more, holing up and telling anyone who will listen how badly I hurt you and implying how victimized you are.  You exaggerate situations and make them out to be worse than they are.  Some of your friends hate me, and you have led others to think I am a drug addict.

I am so tired that you focus so much on the negative aspects of things.  It does NOT bode well for our relationship.  Rather than acknowledging that the frequency of reckless behavior has decreased considerably, or that I have QUIT SMOKING, or that I have adjusted my lifestyle to be more stable and mellow, instead you are preoccupied with having done drugs a couple times, that I am completely reckless when I drink, that I am going to break up with you, etc.  I can’t tell if you are just completely terrified or if you really are complaining all the time.

I am reading a book right now on addiction and I feel like you fail to remember: “keep in mind, however, that severing a dependency on a substance will not happen alone or overnight. It can be a long process, especially if it has been a long-term habit. In fact, it is often the most painful, harrowing, and frightening transformative experience a person will ever go through in his or her entire life. Stopping can also be the most significant emotional decision you will ever make.  You do not acknowledge this.  You do not recognize my efforts.  You do not show support for what has been a tremendously difficult experience for me.  You don’t ask how I’m doing with it or cheer me on.  You have no idea how uncomfortable I am and the degree of excruciating pain I am in ALL THE TIME.  Or how bad the withdrawal symptoms have been.  I am doing this alone, without your support.  That is unacceptable.  And that I constantly feel like I’m failing you or our relationship, I am constantly putting the exact same kind of stress I try to escape when I drink or smoke.

I realize now that we have reached a precipice that must be addressed IMMEDIATELY.  We must come up with a solution that works for both of us, and establish a plan to build trust in our relationship as soon as possible.  We can not start a long distance relationship if our current relationship is fraught with mistrust and misgivings about each other.

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