a day at a time

by lifeonaxis1

i’ve been meaning to announce something but i keep forgetting.  fortunately, today this is not the case so here goes it: i’ve been invited to syndicate my posts on the Bipolar Blogger Network.  Raeyn, the lady in charge over there, put it all together to provide a web resource to people diagnosed with bipolar.  We’re working on compiling lists of resources, like support groups and references, to make available to the public.  i just had another idea which i’m going to record here since my memory is so fickle as of late.  it would also be useful to have a library of sorts with book recommendations and reviews by our bipolar bloggers.  keep an eye out as this website takes shape over the next few months!

secondly, happy memorial day, at least for my U.S. readers.  i hope you are all enjoying your holiday and please do take at least a moment to reflect on and honor our troops.  for those of you who are international readers (hello UK!  hi Canada!  welcome Australia, Germany, Puerto Rico, and Kenya!  :: waves ::), my apologies for my apparent nationalism in honoring holidays and hope you are having a lovely monday.

announcements, check.  time to get down to bidnis (business).

yesterday i made like a social butterfly and had not one, not two, but THREE separate social engagements.  in one day!  this has got to be a record for the past year.  i felt like a crazy lady for most of it because of the hypomania but i did my best to tone it down since, you know, we were in public.  it’s kind of interesting, because feeling so high, it’s like i’m there but i’m not there.  i’m like mother fuckin’ schrodinger’s cat.

i did pretty well with lunch, working mostly on slowing down my speech, reducing the fidgeting, stifling the manic-sounding cackles i wanted to emit… by the time i went to target with my friend (yes, she brought me to TARGET during a hypomanic episode! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!), i was on another plane, in part because i had just gotten into it with XBF on the phone.  in defense of my friend, she did ask if going to target was a bad idea in my state of mind and i assured her that it was not and that i would be okay.  i underestimated, however, the powerful laser beams target uses to draw you in and ended up walking out with chocolate chip cookies, a skirt, and a dress.  not bad, considering my history with “Le Tar-jay”.

we then went to a frozen yogurt shop and i tried like 3 different flavors in the same taster before my friend pointed a sign literally a foot away from my face that read ‘only one taste per taster cup’ or whatever.  oops.  so i told her i had decided on the fruity flavors and promptly walked over and got VANILLA after a change of heart at the last second.  i topped my vanilla yogurt with captain crunch cereal, gummy bears, and rainbow sprinkles, looked at my cup and thought “even my yogurt looks manic”.  we sat down and the colors of the walls and paintings in this yogurt shop were just blowing my mind right out of my mind.

once we finished, she dropped me back home.  i started writing my denial blog post and called back the XBF.  he answered the phone and it sounded like he had been crying.  it was sad.  two hours earlier we had hung up the phone and he was crying, and now he was still crying.  i’m a sucker for tears, so within 30 minutes he was at my house…

hold up!

how did this happen, you ask?  after all the BS i’ve been posting, with the “no way jose” and all else, why would i let XBF within 30 yards of my home?  oh it gets better, just wait.

after he didn’t respond for two days, i was fucking annoyed.  it’s a weekend for god’s sake so it’s not even like he has the school excuse.  i had bitched about this at lunch with my friend who agreed that XBF is seeming less and less worth my time, and by the time i got home i felt not only pissed off, but now also entitled to send an email that said “forget it. i’m over it.”

which i meant 100% at the time by the way.  so again, how did he get into my house??

prepare your mind to be boggled.

he came back at me with an equally entitled response which made me so mad i couldn’t just LET IT GO.  he wrote,

________ I’m in school and focusing on it. Id love to talk to you but you seem unable to talk to me like it was the old days. Instead you continue to send me stressful and hurtful messages. Youre stressing me out and its not fair. If you are unable to even sit with me in person im smart enough to know thats a stressful situation i shouldn’t be focusing on. Look, I love you and im happy to give as much time as you need to “prepare yourself mentally” or whatever but its not cool to try and control every aspect of the situation if its at the cost of my well being. I have no idea whats been going on with you recently and im sorry youre as upset as you are. But for real, you need to start learning to show me respect. Maybe think about how things you say and do might affect other people. Im tired of these knee jerk emotional respones. I don’t deserve it.

game on, fucker!  i responded,

Dear XBF,

Just to be clear, what I asked was to talk first by email so I could get my bearings and then we could meet in person.  In just the last week, you have flipped your interactions with me twice 180 degrees and that made me uncomfortable.  I think that should be understandable given what I’ve been through in the last month.

If anything, what I am unable to do is continue dealing with your mixed messages.  I do not like you assuring me that I can trust you and that you will work through this with me one day, two days later telling me you don’t want to “enable” me and will “let me know what you’re going to do in a few days”, and then 3 days after that sending me an email that you love and miss me like nothing has happened.  And then when I ask you to clarify by email you don’t respond for two days… on a weekend.

So yes, I support you being in school and support you focusing on it.  I’m pretty sure that’s why I helped you do so much in school over the past year, like plan your class schedule, communicate with instructors, complete online quizzes and write papers.  Please do not speak to me as if I have been the major barrier to you in school; I take quite a bit of offense to that since I probably account for your two passing grades of the last YEAR.

XBF, you are so missing the point.  It’s that its not all about you.  Which I can’t seem to get through your head.  You have no idea what is going on with me because you can’t even be around me.  I try and communicate and it’s like talking to a wall.  Let me summarize: I am sick.  Sick in such a way that is going to be transformative for my entire life.  I would think you would understand but you seem to concerned about yourself to worry about that.

I cannot believe you are having the gall to tell me I need to respect YOU right now.  It makes me sick.  I suppose now that you’re not feeling sick all the time you think you can speak to me like that.  Don’t forget who encouraged you to get better, and who was there when you were at your worst.  Too bad I can’t say the same for you.

I wasn’t trying to “control” the situation.  What I said is legit.  I am done.  We’ll work out the exchange of belongings in a few weeks.

i don’t think more than 6 minutes passed and he was calling me.  it was such a short period of time that i wasn’t sure he was calling about my email so i answered and asked.  what followed, i can’t really say.  remember, i’m feeling like i’m in two places at once.  XBF has brain damage so his reality can be a bit distorted at times.  he’s also six years my junior so his lack of experience does seem more salient in times like this.  trying to follow the conversation was like trying to walk through nearly-dry cement.  you’re not really going anywhere.

this made me feel even more crazy, so you can imagine my relief when my friend called to go to target.  it was like i became even more hypomanic because what little scaffolding i had grabbed on to was up in the air.  i felt like a snow globe that had just been shaken.  the only thing i can remember from the conversation is XBF saying “i miss my best friend. i just want my best friend.”  it really struck close to home for me.  i think that’s where i started to crumble.  i told him i’d call him back later after my adventures to target.

i did and he came over and we talked for about 2-3 hours and then i tried to sleep for a bit.  i woke up a short time later and couldn’t fall back asleep, and he had been awake the whole time since his sleep schedule is off.  we started talking again and continued for another 3 hours or so. that’s how we are; once we were on a 6 hour road trip and i barely noticed because we spent the entire time talking to each other.  there have been many a night where we find ourselves still talking as the sun rises.

nothing has been decided for our relationship, but we negotiated an arrangement that met both our needs.  i agreed to watch the Avengers with him and to hang out and spend time together, and he agreed to hang out a separate time and to really listen to what has been going on with me.  this is just one of those situations where i’m going to have to take it a day at a time.