life as an introvert
by lifeonaxis1
i’ve started to accept my new life as an introvert. it’s kinda nice, actually. simpler. not leaving my house has become less out of dread and more out of preference. i spend most of my time among furry things with four legs. i’m starting to like animals more than people.
there are other factors. being broke is one of them. i can’t go get coffee or lunch with friends. can’t afford to drink, and not sure i should yet. i’m finding it’s pretty difficult to be social when you’ve got zero dollars to spend.
the other part of it is that i can’t make future plans to save my life, for two reasons. one: my memory limitations are at an all-time high. i’m starting to get really concerned about it and plan to make [another] doctor’s appointment soon. in any case, i seem to be extremely limited in what i am able to remember in the short-term and what i am able to keep active in working memory. if i get distracted, the thought can disappear forever. i seem to constantly be operating in the present. on the one hand, that’s pretty cool. on the other hand, it’s not going to get me a fucking doctorate.
the second reason i can’t (and don’t) make plans is that i can’t seem to follow through with almost ANYthing. even the simplest tasks. accomplishing anything must be done on impulse and i take the opportunity when it arises. otherwise, i just can’t get myself to do it. my grandma asked, “have you ever heard of discipline?” and i used to agree with her. it’s at such a level now, though, that i simply don’t make plans or promises because i honestly can’t say if i will be able to do it or not. i don’t know how long this will last. i can only seem to focus on a few things at a time, and right now, all slots are taken with planning my online class this fall, my one tutoring student, and trying to get a part-time job.
this is quite an alarming turn of events, and i have no idea whether to attribute these problems to stress/trauma, lithium, bipolar, or something else. it’s certainly not doing me any favors academically and i don’t know how long i can hold out before explaining to my advisor that i am cognitively impaired for an indefinite amount of time.
i’m also not comfortable with the fact that i’ve pretty much disappeared from most of my friendship circles. i realize i am being an asshole because i’m not offering my support and friendship to them but i can’t seem to do anything about it. an occasional text here and there. a quick phone call.
but the idea of anything more makes me feel the panic i started to feel when i signed back on to my old Facebook account, when all of 5 minutes passed before i disabled it again.
too many people. too many updates. can’t keep up.
Mood Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified 
I keep telling myself I’m going to jot notes into notebooks, or record them with a voice recorder… but then I can never find the ‘right’ place to record things and they get off into the aether. :s
Sometimes we just need time out. Everything else is too hard on top of everything in our minds, we need to rest. And your friends, they will understand. Sometimes we need to take care of our own self first, this is important, this is nurturing. You will re-emerge, just be patient.
Sending you love. ♡
As my dear friend artyelf said (and as I have said to her), take care of yourself, first. Your friends – your true friends – will wait.
I agree, and I would wish the same for my friends. But for how long? I feel like I’ve been MIA for almost a year.
Oh beautiful one, I truly know how you feel.
I have been locked behind closed doors for months.
But I know I need this solitude at present, I know I am doing important work, and to have contact with others would just be too stressful for me to handle as well.
I also know it gets lonely, the solitude hurts.
But you are reaching out, you are writing, and commenting. And this ‘safe’ interaction, it’s a step forward.
That’s all you need to do, just some small baby steps, forward.
You’re in my heart today. ♡
thank you for the kind words. i’m glad to know i’m not alone. i think it’s important for me to work through these things too; i just hope others can understand and not take it personally, as it would be easy (and understandable) to do.
i don’t mind the solitude…yet. but i do have furry things keeping me company so perhaps that buffers it a bit. 🙂
You know what? For as long as it takes. Don’t underestimate the impact of your diagnosis on your life. As you’ve discussed before, bipolar disorder isn’t going to go away. You will be dealing with this for the rest of your life.
The thing is, you’ve already been dealing with it your whole life – you just didn’t have a name for it. We’ve talked about this as well before, but the fact of defining it as bipolar disorder doesn’t change you, and doesn’t change your past or your future. It gives it, perhaps, some context. The advantage now is that, in knowing what the underlying problem is, you can start to take steps to compensate.
This may mean medication, therapy, and other possible remedies. Many of these, in themselves, will change to way you behave, act and think. So now, not only do you have to consider coping with the illness itself, but coping with the new side-effects of the methods you’re using to cope!
This will take time; possibly a very long time. It may be a battle that will be ongoing for the rest of your life, and you may never return to being the person you used to be. I had to come to terms with that in relation to my depression; ten years on and I am changed, irreversibly. The illness made me a different person, and I couldn’t go back if I wanted to.
So the best thing I can suggest (and this will be hard to accept) is to think only of yourself. You deserve it. Start by getting back on your feet, even if it means taking a job as a restaurant server for a while. Learn to save, to control your spending. And bring people back into your life when you’re ready – when doing so will be beneficial to you, and will not harm you further.
I know this sounds very sad, and you don’t have to take my advice, but it’s the best I can offer. I want to see you…if not ‘well’, then at least back to the point where you can take care of yourself.
And from a distant, interested party – I’ll be waiting for you, in any case.
🙂